No one gets it!

From the sea of persistent phone calls and e-mail from family members trying to plan for Christmas in two weeks (when we already know the plan, mind you) and/or saying "I don't know if you are DONE with work this week" to the students themselves, NO ONE GETS HOW LONG IT TAKES TO GRADE RESEARCH PAPERS (unless, of course, they have done it themselves at some point).  I have (well, now I "had" since I'm a little over halfway done) 55, 8-10 page papers.  I also had to grade a final exam.  On top of that, I had a 2 hour dentist appointment, doctor's appointments, an interview for an adjunct  instructor position, my son's Christmas program, among countless other domestic responsibilities so far this week. 

Sometimes I want to scream, "Just because I am not working in an office OUTSIDE of my home this week, it doesn't mean I'm not working far more hours than I am actually paid for with this grading!!!!"

In all honesty, I could go on and on about this issue, but I'm not feeling particularly articulate at this point since I have to get back to grading soon.   I just want to be done!!!!

Also, the idea that I am going to be "DONE" with work after I submit grades next Monday is a joke, since I have to finish a draft of my dissertation proposal by early January (I've barely begun).  AND....dear family and friends, I'm not being paid for that!!!!!

As stuff keeps getting piled on....

Hello!  Yes, I am still around, hanging on as the semester trudges on.  I can't tell you how many times I have drafted posts since my last post way back in the summer, only to refrain from hitting "publish" because I either didn't have the time to finish my thoughts or because I felt that the post was waaaay too much of a vent/whine/etc.  Anyways, I'm sure that we can all relate to those types of posts. 

I came to the realization a long time back that I took on way too much this semester.  A large part of it was out of financial necessity-- needing to pay bills (of course), continuation tuition (which really should be in the "bills" category), day care, etc etc etc.....  However, my original purpose for getting more child care has been all but squashed (but the semester isn't quite over yet, right??).  My life has been taken over by teaching and other miscellaneous jobs, and I've made very little progress on my dissertation proposal. 

There have been many days where I've purposed in my heart/mind and have actually written in my calendar that I would give the best part of my day to brainstorming about/outlining/reviewing additional literature for my proposal.  That did happen a few times.  However, there is always something else which takes over as more of an immediate priority, and it usually has to do with teaching.  You see, I've just come to the point where I can't get decent work done after 9 p.m.; my kids often don't go to bed until about 8:30 or 9.  I thought that daylight savings would help them go to bed even a little earlier, but it turns out that they decided to go to bed an hour LATER that weekend, so my original theory was debunked.  Along with this, I know that I won't be able to get anything done at all between 5 p.m. and 9 p.m.  Of course, there have been a few times where I really needed that time, and DH took care of the kids so that I could focus on getting stuff done.  However, I want to spend that time with my kids, and I'm often at the point by 5 p.m. where I need the break anyways!! DH can't always make dinner and do all of that, because he also has to prepare for his classes on some days.  All of this to say that if I NEED to get something done for the next day, which often involves course prep so I don't feel like I'm totally disorganized and mumbo jumboed (if that can be an adjective) during my 3 classes, I need to do it while the kids are in preschool/day care. 

However, you can imagine that I am very frustrated and disappointed with myself for not making the progress that I had hoped on my proposal.  Time is one part of it, but the other is that I keep fluctuating about my topic and the direction that I want to take with the research.  This is CONSTANTLY on my mind.  Just when I think I have it, I really don't have it, and I still don't feel this sense of surety about it.  I'm just hoping and praying that I can break ground with this soon.  I haven't been in touch with my advisors in a few weeks because of all this.  I feel that just when I feel that I need to spend several hours or even a whole day thinking and working on this, something else gets piled on.  It's like sitting at the foot of a stairwell and several people standing at the top keep throwing papers upon papers on you; because it is a more enclosed space it gets to the point where you are swimming in the papers, and you can't even see the people standing at the balcony above.  I know that many of my grad student or former grad student colleagues can relate to this.  And you know, it's not completely an issue of confidence, because every time I look over a recent dissertation I think to myself, "this isn't so bad, I can do this!" I can do it, but I really need to get the time, make the time, and make a solid decision about what I am going to do and how.  I'm finding that to be a bit difficult at this point in time.

I'm my own worst enemy- time management and the every present "P" word

I mentioned a while back that I bought an electronic version of Dr. Neil Fiore's The Now Habit.  This is a great book about tackling procrastination (the ugly evil "P" word) at its roots.  I admit, I have been wanting to read this book in its entirety for a while, but I have only read portions of it so far.  Much of what I have read so far truly reflects my own thoughts and actions.  For instance, Fiore talks about how we avoid certain tasks; how we talk to ourselves while we are avoiding those tasks (i.e., "I should be working on this, or I have to work on that).  Right now, I should be working on my 3 conference presentations for the upcoming weekend.  Undoubtedly, I am interested in the work that I am presenting, or I wouldn't have done the work and submitted the papers/abstracts in the first place.  However, I am putting it off.  I keep telling myself, "I should be working on the outlines/powerpoint for these presentations."  Sometimes, spend a good amount of time working on one outline, but then I get restless and switch to working on another one, or something else entirely.  Sometimes, I just get sick of sitting (nevermind my back pain and sciatica which is exacerbated by this continual sitting); I walk around the house, get sidetracked by dishes or laundry, or toys all over the floor that are driving me crazy; I find an excuse to go outside and get fresh air.  Other times, I just feel like my attention span is severely shrinking as time goes on, and I just can't spend an extended amount of time on one task.  Other times, I sit there thinking about how I "should" have somehow found more time to work on my dissertation proposal as opposed to these conference-related projects all summer (granted, I would like to turn at least one of these into a publishable journal article, but still--- none of these projects are explicitly related to my dissertation).  Thus, there are times that I take a few minutes out in between to search for articles related to my dissertation topic.  As a result, I get sidetracked from projects that should be more of a priority at the present time.  Other times, of course, I get distracted by Facebook, e-mail, forums that discuss by favorite addicting Hindi serials, working on my syllabi for the upcoming semesters' courses, hoping that my kids are doing fine at day care, feeling guilty that if I could just somehow work better in the evenings we could have saved some money on day care-- if we could communicate better about our schedule I could have somehow found regular time in the evenings/on weekends to work, etc etc etc and the rabbit trail of thoughts goes on.  Really, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to time management.  I think part of it has to do with just being frustrated about a plethora of interrelated issues; another part is attention span and getting bored with work that requires continuous sitting and solute.  I often think back to my former job, the one I left before starting grad school again.  As a social worker, I was constantly talking with clients and other co-workers.  It was insanely busy at times, but it was also insanely rewarding.  It's funny, because no matter what situation we are in in life, we tend to think of how the "grass is greener" in one way or another-- whether we are thinking back to another phase of our lives, or we think of how our lives would have been if we had a "normal" job, or if we didn't have to worry about a certain project, or if we could have more carefree time with our family, etc.  Either way, I admit that I have a serious time management problem, and I guess that is the first step with trying to tackle it.  Now, if only I could make the time (and not procrastinate!!!) to read Fiore's book and put the principles he sets forth into practice.  If only I could just get these presentations DONE, especially since I only have 3 days before I leave for the conferences!!!! Here's to trying to focus and not talking myself into a pit!  I need to perform cognitive behavioral therapy on myself!

Oh no...it's the end of July already?!?!?

Yes, a little over a month remains before I have to begin teaching; before my son starts a new preschool; before I **really** need to get serious about my dissertation proposal.  However, the heat is on (no pun intended, since we have had a bit of a scorching summer to say the least) as I have to finish preparing 3 presentations for 2 conferences I am attending in a little over 2 weeks.  Also, I started the summer with high hopes for my dissertation proposal, but I have not made much progress on it at all.  Sure, I could blame the fact that we had to travel for a family wedding; we had family from afar visiting for a week and took constant day trips which equated to many hundreds of miles driven and many minutes of lost sleep (particularly for the kids!); we had graduation parties and cookouts and lost many "day care" days due to holidays, sickness, and traveling to boot.  Not to mention, as I have said in previous posts, lack of motivation, direction, continuous questions arising in my mind that warranted additional literature reviews, lack of funds for additional child care in between all the traveling craziness, etc.  Of course, I am grateful that being a grad student allows me the flexibility to enjoy all of these things-- time with family, precious time with my kids.  However, I'm also continuously (seems like I really like variants of the word "continuous" in this post!) feeling like my dissertation proposal, among other projects, is hanging over my head like an ominous rain cloud.  Not to mention financial concerns associated with child care, paying continuation tuition, and not being sure that I will definitely be teaching a third class in the fall. 

And then there are the concerns that go along with parenting.  Hoping that my son will adjust well to his new preschool; feeling bad that we can't afford to send him to another preschool where some of his friends from his previous school will be attending (although I've heard very mixed reviews about that program); dealing with *continuous* potty training issues.  Wondering if the day care where we are sending both kids two days per week is the best one for them and if we would be able to find something better that 1.  was just as flexible and 2.  cost the same or less.  Hoping that DD will benefit from the physical therapy that she is starting later this week since she is behind in gross motor skills. 

And... just the general concerns associated with how we are going to keep juggling it all once the semester starts.  Can we really work out a good schedule where I will be able to do work outside of "work day" timings? Will my husband and others understand that there is no way I will be able to get my dissertation proposal done by December AND do all the work for teaching 3 classes with part- time child care for both kids?

I guess I am getting ahead of myself a bit, after all, we still do technically have 5 weeks of the summer to enjoy, and there are many more things I want to enjoy with my family before the grind of teaching on top of everything else begins.  However, many of these concerns, like the academic projects hanging over my head, are really, *continuous.*  As I said, I have much to be grateful for; despite the concerns I have for my kids they are very advanced and growing in many other areas; they surprise me every day.  And, we do manage to balance the household chores, although I still feel there is much to be worked out with my work schedule, which I believe is one of the big issues impacting my motivation.  Nevertheless, I think that for now I just need to focus on my immediate "to do" list; although I might not get a huge chunk of it done each day I need to make some progress before these conferences and my syllabi are due in a couple weeks.  Now I must press onward (or more accurately..inch forward).

The solitude of being a grad student parent

I had started to write a similar post related to this topic earlier this week, but I lost some steam in the end.  In all honesty, I have had very little motivation this week and have barely made any progress on my academic work.  Undoubtedly, part of the reason is that my daughter developed an ear infection and my son flipped out that he didn't want to go to daycare on Thursday (one of the days that both of them go); he said that his throat was hurting again but according to the doctor he was fine.  Thus, both of them were home yesterday, and since DD woke up 1.5 hours earlier than usual this morning, I haven't had much mental capacity to do much work during her nap.  Anyways....I went ahead and purchased an electronic version of The Now Habit by Neil Fiore, which was recommended by a very inspirational, fellow grad student mom that I "met" on another site (if you're reading this, you know who you are!! :)).  I know that some of my deficiencies in motivation are due to that dirty "P" word-- procrastination-- and I am looking forward to applying some of Dr. Fiore's insights.  I also already know that some of the procrastination is at least partially fed by a lingering sense of melancholy.  Part of that, most definitely, can be attributed to the feelings of isolation I have been having.  I guess it's not just the fact that I live a 2 hour drive from campus and I barely have to go in anymore.  Yes, even commiserating with fellow grad students and other grad student moms in person on a regular basis was therapeutic.  However, the plain fact that making friends at this age (oh my, does that sound terrible!) can be quite difficult, especially in this part of the country, is a huge part of the problem.

I mentioned in another post that I enjoy taking the kids to the playground, not just because it is good for them to get fresh air and be around other kids, but also because it gives me a chance to (at least try to) get some adult interaction.  I'm reminded of one time when a mom gave me her phone number and took mine down...her kids were the same ages as mine.  So  many times, I should have gone ahead and called her, but I admit I was feeling a bit shy (how silly).  Come to find out, her daughter was also attending the same preschool as my son, except she was going on different days.  The same mom sent out an e-mail once to all the parents; I sent her a personal e-mail in return basically recollecting how we met and stating that it would be great to get together sometime.  However, she never responded.  Oh well I thought.  Maybe she is too busy as well; maybe she was feeling silly about it, who knows.  Since then, I've chatted with several other moms at the same playground.  Just a couple months ago, I met another mom who had kids the same exact ages as mine.  She was very down to earth, and I felt that we really clicked.  I wanted to offer her my phone number, but I hesitated.  When she left, she said that it was nice talking to me, and she would probably see me again at the playground.  I've definitely heard that before.  But...I am also at fault if I don't reach out, right??? I would love to get involved in some organizes play groups, or some other kind of parents' group, but they often meet at odd times that I cannot attend.  And part of it, of course, is just the culture in this part of the country.  We are not controlled by the culture, but it can be hard to break.  People around here tend to be more reserved, "private", etc.  One or the other person doesn't feel comfortable to reach out, or they are too busy, or...whatever the case  may be.  It is such a pet peeve of mine.  And then...I hate having to explain to people what I do.  "I teach part time, but I'm working towards my Ph.D.; one child goes to daycare part time", blah blah blah.  Oftentimes, I feel like a full time stay-at-home mom (although I hate the "mommy wars" and the distinctions between "stay-at-home" moms and "working moms"), but I am also a work-at-home and working-out-of-the-home mom at times who is trying to juggle all of these different responsibilities and expectations.  As a result, I often wonder if I can relate to moms who "stay at home" and/or those who work full time outside the home.  I guess that really doesn't matter, but the point is, I miss having friends!!! Yes, I keep in touch with friends who live out of state and hours away via Facebook; we recently had friends come over for a cookout, but we don't get to see them too often because they each live at least a 1-2 hours drive away.  However, I must admit that I get a little jealous of people who can meet up with friends in person on a regular basis, and/or who have other friends and co-workers they can talk with in person on a regular basis.  The key phrase here is "in person".  Although my job before going back to school 5 years ago was mega stressful, I was at least encouraged by chats with my co-workers who were also under a great deal of stress.  When you're working all the time at home, feelings of isolation and lack of motivation can often be compounded.

Again, this wasn't a very positive post, but I'm sure that many parents and grad students can relate-- if not at this point in their lives, they might have experienced this at some point, even for a short period of time.  I guess that in the midst of the dreary deluge going on outside and my lack of progress once again this week, I've been reflecting on all of these issues.  Of course, in comparison to the disasters many in this country alone have faced in the past couple weeks, these issues are a pin drop in the bucket.  However, they are central to the struggles that people of all walks of life face when it comes to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Random thoughts this week

I've still been a bit slow to get back into the academic swing of things, but I've had some (somewhat) random thoughts/ramblings/vents that I wanted to articulate a bit more...

Dear day care providers, I like both of you very much as people. However, when I provide 3 bibs for DD for each day that she attends, why can't you use those bibs instead of allowing her to nearly spoil every single outfit? I put the bibs in the same place every time, and I know that you have used them in the past.

I've come to the realization that if I just accept the fact that there are certain days/times that I will not be able to do academic work, my stress and frustration level decreases significantly.  Yes, my daughter usually takes a decent afternoon nap, but there are times that I just cannot do work during that time for one reason or another.  Sometimes it is a household task that just has to get done while neither child is in my way.  Other times, I just need time to think (well, that is part of work, but sometimes we don't always see it that way-- one of those paradoxes of life).  Then, there are times that I am just too dang tired.

I know that if I had a "normal" job, certain close family members wouldn't call me so much during the day; other close family members wouldn't ask me to run errands on the 2 days per week that both children are in day care.  Truly, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, sometimes it is easier to just run those errands by myself.  However, there are days that even a small errand that only takes half an hour can really throw me off.

Sometimes, I feel like my e-mails to people in my department go into a black hole.  Granted, the semester ended a month ago and I know people are busy with other things.  I wish that it was easier for me to just show up on campus and try to meet with people in person, but I'm not going to drive nearly 2 hours and pay to park to find out no one is there on that day.  At times, I've had luck with trying to get in contact with people the "old fashioned" way...via office phone.  However, this isn't always successful.

Although media analysis is a big part of my research, I often get extremely frustrated with the media in general.  I could write a mega post about this.  For now, I will just say that the media really does not have to emphasize certain things, but I know that they are trying to one up the next media organization.  For instance, the meat cleaver attack in London.  Was it necessary to emphasize the video that the attacker made???!?!?!   I have so much more to say connected to this, but I will leave it at that.  Not to mention, how certain media figures often perpetuate xenophobia, racism, sexism, etc.

Not to be a debbie downer, but I've been feeling quite isolated and just "down" in general lately.  Maybe it's just this transition phase between completing my comps and trying to REALLY get started on my proposal, not to mention other projects that I have to work on in the next couple of months.  Although I might have a little less time to work, I'm looking forward to when my son is done with preschool in a couple weeks and I can take both kids to the playground or other places on those days.  Every time I do that, I get to at least have an informal chit-chat with another mom/grandparent at the playground and I don't feel so isolated.  I actually miss the coursework phase for that...being able to interact more with other people in the department; commiserate with other grad student moms who are juggling similar responsibilities.  Hey, I might actually go ahead and buy that children's museum membership.  I might actually try to find other groups/activities to get me out of the house with the kids and, maybe?!?!? just maybe by myself, too??? What about actually putting a priority on having a date night more than once every six months?? I think that as a grad student parent, these things might actually help us to feel more "human" and get us out of a rut in general.

I've come to the realization that I am not as self-motivated as I would like to be, and I really need to do something to change that.  I haven't come up with a fantastic solution to that one....yet....

In reflecting on all that has happened in Oklahoma and other midwestern states with the tornadoes, I've been reminded that we often forget the fact that millions of other people around the world are still recovering from natural disasters that happened YEARS ago.  I've seen this in my own geographical area.  Also, recovery does not just have to do with the built environment.  There are mental, emotional, biophysical, and spiritual dimensions.  We need to keep this in mind when making decisions about how to enact our own personal philanthropic intensions.

There are many other things I could go on about...the situation in Syria, the persecution of minorities in many countries, oh, those are big ones, but I will stop there for now.

Transition phase

A lot has been going on since I last wrote here.  Alas, I am a Ph.D. candidate!! Thank God, I was able to finish my written comp and successfully defend it two weeks later.  A week after that, all 4 of us left on a trip (quite far away, to a nice exotic place, I might add) since my husband had a conference and we thought it would be a good opportunity to see the place.  Overall, the trip was good.  I did get terribly sick with food poisoning on the second to last day; the days my husband was in the conference were so-so since at least half of the time I couldn't do too much with the kids, but I did manage to venture out a little bit.  Otherwise, it was great to be able to see what we could and enjoy the warm weather/whatever we could get of the beach.

We just got back a few days ago, and honestly, along with the jet lag, I feel like my mind is going in circles.  I had a meeting this morning with the head of the department where I serve as an adjunct instructor.  I feel a little better after that knowing that I will definitely be teaching 2 if not 3 classes (dependent on enrollment) in the fall-- particularly as all this relates to the financial front.  However, the issue of seriously beginning my dissertation proposal, with the goal of finishing it be the early Fall (per my advisor and comp exam committee) is looming overhead.  To be honest, I am still so tired from traveling and a mega mountain of laundry and a disorganized, crappy dirty house needs immediate attention, so I am not going to pressure myself too much about it at least for a week or so.  However, I do have to start thinking about it very soon.  Should I schedule preliminary interviews...what about additional literature to review....oh, and what about those conference papers that are fairly unrelated to my proposal that I actually have to get done by the end of July if not sooner...yeah...I really need to touch base with a few profs first too...oh, and what about the fact that I have no source of income this summer since I don't have summer funding, and the department couldn't fund my proposal for summer funding even though they wanted to because it is related to my potential dissertation (higher up bureaucracy, ugh), and if I knew that ahead of time I would have written the proposal in relation to my conference papers, but I was advised to write it for my preliminary dissertation research.....and the run on train of thought chugs on.  All in all, I really feel like this is a transition phase.  Imminent dissertation research can be exciting, but is scary at the same time.  There are so many other aspects of it that feed in to these emotions and related states of mind/being.  I could go on, but now I think I need to eat lunch and tackle this pile of laundry, even though I feel in a weird state of academic and professional limbo. 

Taking-a-day-off guilt

Ah yes, another post about guilt!  But....why should I even feel guilty??? I e-mailed my completed comprehensive exam to my committee on Sunday night.  Of course, I was at least partially relieved; I will be even more relieved when I receive an e-mail saying that I can proceed to the oral defense on April 18th as scheduled.  I've been insanely working on this thing for the past week (not to mention the months of preparation beforehand-- reading, note taking, etc).  My son ended up getting a weird stomach virus Friday night.  He was ok for the most part on Saturday- husband took him to the doctor just to make sure.  Then on Sunday evening, he got sick again.  I felt terrible that he was sick.  Also, I myself started to feel sick on Thursday/Friday and just kept praying that I could make it through.  My husband was also a bit agitated on the weekend.  As I sat in the den editing, typing, reading, and over and over frantically, I had to listen to his constant sighs and agitated tone of voice.  He had never spent probably more than 2 hours alone with both kids before this past weekend (and the times he has spent maybe 1-2 hours alone with them have been extreeemely few and far between-- I know that is sad in its own right and partially my fault for not taking time when I needed it...anyways...).  Granted, DS was sick, but for the large majority of the weekend he wasn't and was even excited to go out with my husband and DD on Saturday and Sunday.  And....the times he did get sick, I was there helping DH with him. I kept DS home from preschool yesterday because he still wasn't himself; thankfully by the end of the day he was feeling much better and was excited to go to the home day care this morning.  DD was just excited in general that her brother was home and was as happy as usual this morning.
All that rambling to say....why on EARTH do I feel guilt for taking today off???? It is a beautiful spring day.  I've been cooped up in this house constantly.  (well, yesterday afternoon we all did go outside and enjoy the fresh air, but still).  I hardly ever get to go anywhere by myself.  Why do I feel so guilty that I'm not diving right back in to working on my conference papers for the summer or doing something else academic related?  Why do I feel guilty that I'm not going to stay in the house all day and do housework?  Honestly, what I am planning to do is go to a children's apparel store and check out a sale since DD and DS need a couple of things-- so I'm not even entirely taking a break for myself, but just getting out of the house and being able to go to a store alone is a break in and of itself.  I also need a haircut; I may or may not do that today but the bottom line is, I just need to get out of the vicinity of the house.  I very rarely take breaks like this, so why (I say again) do I feel guilt???? I guess as academic moms we might feel like this at times and like me, can't even figure out why.  Oh well, I'm going to make myself get over it and get out of this house!!!!

And so it shall begin....

And I wish it was an April fool's joke that this comp was starting today!!! Will most likely get the questions within the next 90 minutes.  Trying to have breakfast and gear myself up (or better yet, wake myself up more) after coaxing teething DD to drink as much milk as possible and after DH had to do the same to get DS to have even a piece of toast this morning (I think he was tired since we've been having issues with him going to sleep at night...not to mention be also has a cold) before they had to leave for day care/preschool.  DD was sick last week and I'm thankful that she is at least feeling better, but I've been concerned about DS that this cold doesn't progress into something else.  Yikes!  Just said a prayer this morning for everything; grateful that I did take 3 days off over this Easter weekend to give my brain a rest and to reflect on the meaning of Easter, attend church, go outside with the kids, etc.  I guess right now I feel all over the place, but trying to get my mind back in gear before the elusive questions arrive.  Hating the anticipation and the anxiety that goes with it, though.

Saturation point

People might talk about reaching the point of "saturation" whilst collecting data.  Right now, I am at the point of saturation in preparing for my comp exam!  I bet there are other people out there who know what I mean.  Have you ever been studying for an (more traditional, maybe multiple choice/short answer/essay) exam and you just can't study anymore, even if you feel like you should read something else, try to memorize something else, etc?  That is me right now.  I feel like I have a good handle on my reading list and some arguments that I am developing with respect to the literature.  However, there were a few readings that I either didn't look at or didn't read closely (that happened to me with my last comp-- again, my list was too long then and is now).  I'm just at the point where I can't do any more!  I spoke with one of my exam committee members today.  She thinks I will do fine; none of the questions will be a surprise; I won't be citing everything on my long list.  Still.  Maybe it will do my brain good to take (even at least a semi) break over this holiday weekend.  Can't wait for 10 a.m., April 9th when this thing will be done!!!

Benefits of commiseration

Truly, I shouldn't be writing this post right now-- I should be compiling my notes in preparation for my 2nd (and LAST) comprehensive exam which begins on April 1st (oh how I wish we only had to do ONE comp exam-- I would have achieved candidacy well over a year ago).  However, I guess I just wanted to reflect on this, partially as self-therapy since I am a ball of nerves this week.

I went to a regional conference this weekend which was close to my campus, about a 1.5 hr drive from where I live.  Long story short, due to something I wanted to take my son to on Sat. morning and just the fact that we left a lot later than planned, I only made it to one Sat. afternoon session and my early Sunday morning session (in which I did my own presentation).  Nevertheless, this conference was beneficial as I received some good feedback on my presentation; I ran into two professors from my school; I felt great for having some adult interaction (no offense to my husband, but I am sure some of you moms out there who work from home can relate); and, I was able to commiserate with a few students about our common plight in the seemingly never ending process that characterizes PhD acquisition land.  One student was from my program;  I hadn't seen her in a long time and she also has 2 children.  I told her about the stress over my upcoming comp exam, and how (due to that and several other reasons) I often talked about quitting to my husband.  She concurred having similar sentiments but now having come this far, she can't quit and has just been moving ahead in working on her dissertation proposal.  I also spoke with another grad student who presented in my session; we spent about a half an hour talking after the session about issues related to funding, the time it takes to do research for the dissertation, and how we need to get out of our minds that the dissertation does not have to be the best and most awesome project we've ever done.  Rather, we just need to finish.  The latter is an issue I have grappled with for numerous reasons (especially reasons related to the logistics of conducting qualitative research with two small children-- which has led me to modify the direction I am thinking of going with my diss.project).  However, the bottom line is that I felt better having been able to commiserate with fellow grad students.  That is something I miss, since I am not on campus too much anymore.  It is one thing to post a facebook status and to receive comments from fellow grad students, but it is another to vent with other students face-to-face and to have a more free flowing conversation with other people who can relate to you situation in one way or another and who can provide some sort of encouragement.  I've also been grateful for some online communities and other blogs that have filled these gaps of in-person interaction with my cohort-mates and other students in my program.

Honestly, I am still feeling tense about this comp exam.  Even though I have a vague idea of the potential questions, I still don't know what my exam committee is going to ask, hence I go between wanting to frantically compile detailed notes for various references to being unsure if this is a waste of my time because they might not ask anything related to a particular subarea.  Part of me wants to e-mail a bunch of other students but what on earth would I say?  It doesn't make sense.  I might be posting one of those Facebook statuses soon. 

One of those mornings

Ugh.  I must say, even after growing up in the "north" of the U.S., I have a limited tolerance for snow.  I had originally planned to travel to campus today to meet with 2 professors about my comp exam, but alas, we got another winter storm.  Since it took forever for everyone else to leave the house this morning; I'm not too positive that the road conditions for the 85 mile drive will be great; I probably wouldn't be able to leave until close to 11 a.m. and would probably get there just in time for my meetings and then have to spend 2 hours driving back-- I decided not to go.  Let's hope I can chat with my professors on the phone this week!

This morning was one of those mornings.  My 3 year old DS started out the morning fine, but was not being very cooperative as I was simultaneously trying to get DD dressed and ready.  One of those mornings-- one mess after another, refusing to get dressed, having an accident after sitting on the toilet, etc etc.  At one point I did lose my patience and yell.  I've really been trying to be better about this and keep the right perspective, but honestly, at 9:30 a.m. I felt like it should already be 5:30 p.m.  I guess waking up feel tired doesn't help, since I've been staying up later the last few days to get work done; I've also not been sleeping too well.  Hence, I'm taking a "break" right now to reflect and get the right frame of mind back.  I apologized to my son before he left this morning.  I've been reminded a devotional book I read the other day which is set up for Lent (we are Christians; honestly this year with all else going on I have not made the time that I would like each day to reflect).  The story for the day focused on an elderly man who recently lost his wife.  She always had dreams to travel here and there, do this and that throughout the life, but they kept making excuses why they couldn't do any of those things.  The elderly man was filled with regret after his wife's passing as a result of this. 

I also think of so many other things that have happened around the world, especially in the last few months.  How could we forget what happened at Newtown, CT.  I don't want the stresses of academic work among other things impact my level of patience with my kids.  Of course, none of us are perfect.  However, I guess one thing that has struck me late in this season of Lent is to make the most of my time with my kids.  Honestly, it is difficult, especially on the days I am home with DD and DS is at preschool.  But, it is getting to the point where I can't really do much work when she is awake anyways, so I try to do even small things with her-- like read a book, show her how to do a little puzzle; something.  I took DS on a little "date" this past Saturday.  It was nice to spend time with him one-on-one for a couple of hours.  And of course, we can't leave our partners out of this, although with the craziness of life that often happens.  I have to take my own advice with this!

Anxieties

It seems like I tend to gravitate towards writing here on the 2 days that I have day care for both children (aka "day care days").  I wish that I could always keep the perspective I wrote about a couple of days ago.  However, I have been having some "anxieties".  I guess yesterday got thrown off a bit since I had a doctor's appointment and DD was a bit fussy in the afternoon (again, the persistent cold we've all had, plus teething, etc); I did read a little later at night but I was just too tired to do the amount that I had hoped.  Now, enter today, and I'm hoping to make more progress (yet again) but I guess I just need to vent (don't we all!)

-- Frankly, I'm really worried about this comp exam, moreso than the last one.  I guess there are any number of reasons-- this literature is all over the place; I have no idea what kinds of questions they are going to ask me (hopefully that will be illuminated when I meet with the chair of my exam committee next week); once again, my reading list remained too long but I felt like I had to get through at least parts of every book/article; I haven't been able to meet in person with 2 members of my committee since last semester since I live far from campus and meeting times haven't worked out (yet, when I reflect on this, I know other students who actually live OUT OF THE COUNTRY while preparing for comps and still do it-- I don't know, but something about the face-to-face contact helps me, especially since I don't know these profs as well as others and I chose them due to the similaritie between their research interests and my own); even though I feel like I have a good handle on the literature as a whole and have some ideas  of how I would like to integrate/challenge what I am reading into a potential dissertation project-- I just feel anxious.

-- Even though I am blessed to have an RA-ship that has been flexible and the main project I've been working on for it is on hold until next month, I feel guilty that I haven't been putting much time into RA-related work as I prepare for comps (mostly due to limited child care).  Although the main project is on hold, I am working on 2 conference papers related to the data we've collected, but even my work on those papers has been minimal the past few weeks.  Oh, and I have to present one of them next weekend!!??!! At any rate, for that I don't have to submit a paper, so I will just be presenting preliminary analyses, but still-- I have to devote a few hours to that in the next few days or else it will prove difficult by the end of next week.

-- Some days I just want to spend time with my kids (oh yes, and my husband-- we were lucky to get 2 dates in the last 6 months; even those were rushed due to imminent snow storms) without the PhD cloud hanging overhead.  Yesterday, when DD was fussy, I was about to just take her outside for a walk since it was unseasonably warm and sunny out, but alas she feel asleep.  I want to do a mini egg hunt and easter egg coloring with DS this weekend; I don't want to make it rushed.  Well, I WILL do that then, and I will have to be disciplined to get work done later on.

-- In reflecting on my comps reading, I am realizing that I am scared of the "dissertation phase."  Although one of my profs keeps telling me not to worry about logistics, I am.  How am I going to do the research?  What are my main questions going to be?  Again, how am I going to do the research/travel, etc, with limited child care, limited funds?  I know I can apply for grants, but I've been hard pressed to find diss research grants that are flexible with what I am hoping to do-- not to mention, since I changed what I was going to do in the last few months (another story there), I still have yet to formulate a solid proposal that even has the potential to be submitted as a grant application.  The dissertation phase is a full time job in itself.   I know other students who work full time whilst dissertating, however, most of the time (from what I've seen), their job is their base research site.  My husband and I had a discussion a couple weeks ago when he e-mailed me info about a few non-tenure track, temporary teaching jobs (yes, full time).  I told him there was no way I could do that and make any progress on my dissertation proposal-- let alone my dissertation.  Yes, I will be teaching part time in the Fall, but full time, no.  Again, the questions of funds, direction, methodology, time-- keep swirling in my mind.  And, just the plain overall anxiety of being an independent researcher.  Yikes. 

-- I want to get published within the next year.  I have those 2 conference paper which might have potential, yes, plus another one that was accepted at a national conference.  The latter paper is a bit "older", but may have potential.  Again, the question of time management comes in, and the anxieties which go along with that.

I remember telling my husband even before we had children that I didn't know how I could handle doing the work for grad school with children.  I've always been a perfectionist with school work, but I had to learn fast that it is difficult to do so when children arrive!! I've still managed to get things done in reasonable amounts of time, but we all know that in graduate school especially, there is always something hanging overhead. 

Article on being a student-parent

I've seen many articles similar to this; wanted to share the link:

Being a student-parent not child's play

"I didn't get a lot of work done today"

For various reasons, I feel like I've been moving in a bit of a slow motion in the past week.  I guess having a cold, having one child (and possibly now both children) with similar said cold, having husband's friend visit in the middle of the week, having a snow day on Friday, and just feeling plain exhausted altogether by the weekend can add to all that.  Of course, there are also the sundry emotions that we as grad student parents might go through during the course of the week for different reasons-- such as the classic frustration that there is just not enough time to get through our academic to do list; guilt after dropping off your son at day care (husband usually does this) and waiting there for 30 minutes while he screamed and cried because he wanted daddy and his friend who was visiting to drop him off (yet daddy had to drop his friend at the bus station, since he was leaving, which made it worse for DS (dear son)), and then learning later that morning that he cried for an additional 45 minutes; confusion over what tasks to prioritize and whether or not to waste 1-2 days in the next 2 weeks to make face to face contact with your comp committee on campus (2 hour drive each way) before you have to write said exam the first week of April-- not to mention you are very underprepared for a conference presentation set to take place in a week and half.....

Ok, I apologize for my ramblings, but I think at one time or another we can all relate.  I want to try to keep my posts as positive and encouraging as possible, but we all must admit that there are times we just feel "blah" (have I said that before?).  Even if quitting has never crossed your mind, I am sure you can relate to that feeling, to which people from various standpoints can attach a variety of meanings and emotions.  Well, I guess that is how I feel today-- and of course this daylight savings time has just been one added smidgen to throw things off a bit.  For the second day in a row we got up late (despite my setting 2 alarms) and I was trying to rush around to get both kids ready for day care.  My son decided he wanted to dilly dally and refuse to eat the breakfast he asked me for the minute he got up, so my patience was being tested.  However, now that everyone has left and I am sitting here having my breakfast, I am hoping that today turns out to be productive.

All that to bring me to the post I started to draft for yesterday, but was too tired to finish then:

Monday,  March 11
 
Today was one of those days that just started as an "off" day.  I don't know about you, but "springing forward" threw us for a bit of a loop the last couple days. I jumped up this morning (although I specifically remember setting it last night, I do not have a clue about what happened to my alarm) in a complete fog (haven't been sleeping too well the last few nights) thinking it was 6:50 when it was actually 7:50, my husband had also gotten up late and was getting ready for work.  I ran downstairs and still in a fog, tried to get my son's things at least somewhat ready for preschool then "ran" up the stairs to wake him up.  Both kids went to bed pretty late last night; thankfully tonight wasn't as bad, but I had that baseline sense of frustration all day that I wasn't about to get a lot of work done.

My now 1 yr old daughter seems to be getting teeth in clusters; all of us have had some semblance of a cold in the last two weeks, so I couldn't tell if it was just the latter or the latter and the former.  Since she is home with me on the days my son goes to preschool, I usually try to make the most of her nap time and I can sometimes get SOME "work" done when she is playing on the floor occupying herself.  Long story short, today she only napped for 1.5 hours and was a bit fussy...so I only got maybe a total of 2 hours of "work" done.  Most of it was reading for my comp exam, and yes, 2 hours is pretty good, but since I am usually able to get even a bit more done than that on the days I am home with her; since I had set the unofficial goal to get through my reading list by the end of the week, I did feel a bit disgruntled.  I told my husband when he got home that I "didn't get a lot of work done today."  Then, as the night when on and in the hustle bustle of dinner time, baths, snuggling DS and DD (dear/darling son and daughter), I reflected on that statement.

"I didn't get a lot of work done today."

Now, I have heard some moms and people in general balk at the idea that being a parent is a "job", as if "job" is a derogatory term.  I also know that there are other reasons why people don't like to call it a job, but I've also heard people say that "being a parent is the hardest job I've ever had."  Truly, it can be the most challenging, regardless of how challenging your field of academic study may be.  Again, I think about the statement that I often find myself saying:

"I didn't get a lot of work done today."

What about all the time I spent holding, feeding, snuggling, changing, and playing with my daughter?
What about the 2 loads of laundry that got washed and dried while DD played for a few minutes, since my concentration to do academic work was thrown off?
What about the dinner I cooked (DH usually does this, mainly because he is just better and more efficient at it) since DH told me he might be home late?
What about the time I spent talking with DS as I picked him up from preschool; as I gave him a shower and read him a book; as I said prayers with him?
What about the various other things I did today that might not be considered "work" or even part of my "job" as a parent, but fulfill my other roles-- such as talking on the phone with my mother, who has been having a lot of problems lately?

This might all sound very trivial, because I'm sure many of you realized that when I said "I didn't get a lot of work done today", I meant ACADEMIC work, but the point I'm trying to make that is most likely stating the obvious is that we as student/academic parents need to accept that there are days that we just aren't going to get that academic work done-- whether we don't reach our goal in terms of time spent and/or tasks completed.  There are days that these other tasks will take over, such as caring for a sick/teething baby/child; doing puzzles with your preschooler who has a snow day; taking over more domestic duties due to your partner's obligations, etc.  Trust me, even yesterday itself I kept thinking that my life would be easier if only I could hire someone to help around the house, if only I could get more child care for DD on a regular basis, etc.  I guess we just have to learn to be innovative to find other "time slots" to get our work done; I know many other academic moms who are probably 110% better at this (or most likely more) than I am.  We just have to keep at the forefront of our minds, that we are doing a good job, even if there are days we feel like we can't be the best parent and/or student/instructor/professor/researcher, etc.  Just think about all the tasks that you did today-- of course, we all have days that we just need a break, mentally and physically, or days when we are forced to take a break for various reasons.  But think about it (let's look on the bright side!)-- think about all the roles you have to fulfill in your life-- parent, spouse, partner, friend, child, student, instructor, etc-- what did you do today, even the smallest task, to fulfill one or many of those roles?  I am sure you will be able to say that you DID in fact "get a lot of work done today."

Quotes from my comp reading

I know that some who might read this blog are not within the social sciences, but I wanted to share some interesting/insightful/helpful in any number of ways/thought provoking regardless of your academic-political stance from my comp exam reading.  I guess that I can update this post periodically-- not sure how to make a widget and all of that,but I just wanted to start with a couple:

"Postmodernism has us accepting the reifications and partitionings, actually
celebrating the activity of masking and cover-up, all the fetishisms
of locality, place, or social grouping, while denying the kind of metatheory
which can grasp the political-economic processes (money flows,
international divisions of labour, financial markets, and the like) that are
becoming ever more universalizing in their depth, intensity, reach, and
power over daily life" (David Harvey, 1990, The Condition of Postmodernity, p. 117)

"Why is this particular age characterized by disjuncture? And where
and how does the laborer become a reimagined subject in this moment
of disjuncture? How might we begin to trace the trajectory of the victims
of capital in their respective epochs? For instance, how may we
theorize the disjuncture experienced by the Chinese cockle pickers
who drowned in Morecombe Bay in the spring of 2004 alongside the
traumatic disjuncture endured by the eighteenth-centuryWest African
slaves who were thrown overboard by their captors? What of the millions
who died in the Bengal famine of 1943 and the many thousands
who die today in preventable famines in sub-Saharan Africa? Where
are the links? Where are the discontinuities? Capitalist structures,
whether they take shape through uneven development or endless
war, have consistently resulted in severe moments of disjuncture for
millions across the globe. After all, capital’s historic task has been to
reinforce divisive structures that operate across boundaries. The enshrinement
of disjuncture as a symptom of the new in itself does not
address the complexity of these historical associations" (Kanishka Chowdury, 2006, "Interrogating 'Newness':  Globalization and Postcolonial Theory in the Age of Endless War" in Cultural Critique, pgs. 136-137).

"Indeed, to a large extent the question of whether time as brought us closer to human integration depends on how one interprets the history of conquest, slavery, and colonialism.   I favor an interpretation that stresses the dialectics of these episodes:  empire and emancipation have been an intricate historical interplay (chapter 4).  Culture contact, in the end is a matter of collusion and not simply collision (Dathorne 1996)."  (Jan Nederveen Pieterse, 2004, Globalization and Culture:  Global Melange, pg. 26).

Guilty pleasures (aka distractions/stress relievers)

My son's preschool was closed last week for February vacation, so we (some might say, insanely) drove down to Florida from where we live in the "North."  Right now, I am very much missing the sunshine and summer temperatures.  Also, right now I should really be focusing on making up for the work hours I lost last week (although the time I spent in place of those with my family were undoubtedly well worth it)-- reading for my comprehensive exam and working on my conference paper.  However, I've spent a few minutes dabbling in one of my "guilty pleasures"-- which I will conceptualize as a stress-relieving distraction that I also feel guilty (at times) spending time on. 
My guilty pleasure in this sense is Hindi language serials (soap operas).  In all honesty, there are a couple right now that I am very addicted to, and it goes in waves.  There have been a number of shows that I have swooned over; when those have ended I always swear that I will not get hooked on another show.  Well, er, that often doesn't happen. 
Since the episodes air in India before we are able to see them in the U.S., I will often go on to one of the Indian television forums to get a sneak peak of what happened.  There are often lively discussions on those forums about the show-- hopeful predictions about the story line, love triangles between the leads, etc that provide a fun distraction as well.  In all honesty, sometimes I wish I could discipline myself to break this addiction so that I can have that extra hour every weeknight to do my work, but the nature of the distraction itself is often more interesting to me at 9:30/10 p.m. than my academic reading.  I have been trying to read for a while after watching my shows; some days that works out while other days it doesn't.  I guess we all need a break sometimes....and since my research is focused on South Asia and the South Asian diaspora in general, I feel like in a way it is related (haha).  I only wish I could say that I am more proficient in Hindi now than I was 3 years ago, but unfortunately that is not the case.  That is another goal I set for the new year that I have yet to progress on!

The U.S. and its (completely, utterly) insufficient family/medical leave policies--The Motherhood Manifesto documentary

Along with my random thoughts, rants, vents etc about grad school and related issues, I wanted to also post interesting resources and information about other issues that I care (very much) about on this blog.

Below is a link to information about a great documentary entitled, The Motherhood Manifesto.  )This documentary is available in some libraries).  In a nutshell, it discusses how the U.S. is at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to family/medical leave policies; it does an excellent job of connecting this huge shortcoming to other social problems/issues.  I'm always saddened at how these issues are glossed over in elections and political debates.

http://www.momsrising.org/page/moms/film

The "unpredictabilities" of parenting!!!

A relative of mine, who has a daughter the same age as my son (3 years old), had a pretty eventful week in terms of the art projects her daughter decided to engage in when she wasn't looking.  To summarize the fun details (haha, well, maybe at first her reaction wasn't that), it resulted in the "glitterificiation" of an item she had just bought.  Truly, from what I have heard from several people now, the "terrible two's" is a misnomer, and 3 is actually more challenging (but also more fun since kids are more astute by that age) on a variety of fronts!!

Kids are definitely unpredictable.  My advisor has constantly told me, that without a doubt, the night before you have an important presentation, assignment due, etc, your child(ren) will get sick.  She is speaking from experience.  That has happened to me before; a few times I did have to ask for extensions on papers when I was in coursework.  Oftentimes, when these types of unexpected things happen, as a parent we just have to learn to function on less.  Whether that means less sleep, less preparation time, along with just overriding perfectionist tendencies to just get something done, or a combination of all of these things and others.  Lately, for me, it seems that the kids don't like sleep the night before one of my two "day care days" per week, so I just have to keep perspective, drink coffee (of course!), set some goals for the day and try to stick to it although I am (quite) tired.  Now, I am hoping and praying that during the week I have to write my second (and last!) comprehensive exam in a couple months (or maybe even less than that) they are healthy-- of course I pray that they stay healthy anyways, but I will have to craft a back-up plan if this is not the case!  A lot of these potential instances have also forced me to be more open with my professors, which in the end has only created better relationships with them and has take the pressure off of me a bit.  I know that this is unfortunately not the case in every field of study, but I feel that trying to be as honest as possible usually helps.

The bottom line is, parenting is unpredictable-- kids are unpredictable-- sometimes they pleasantly surprise us and make us laugh, other times it is a mountain of a mess that we have to tackle, but either way, I don't go a day (or even half of one) without my kids making me smile and without being thankful for them!  Parenting is definitely the most challenging task I've ever had, but it is well worth every moment!!!

The competing mental discourses of past, present, and future

My mind has been spinning lately due to a variety of issues, so this post might not be too organized.  This line came to my mind last night, and although it might have been a pithy Facebook status, I refrained from posting it.  Despite the fact that most if not all of my grad student friends could relate, I guess I want to appear more like I "have things together":

"Oh academia, how thou dost confuse, vex, annoy, and rattle me sometimes to the point where I go through the day with nostalgic thoughts of my past career; although the latter was quite stressful at times, I at least felt and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was making some difference in human lives, as opposed to being isolated by my present academic tasks."

True, it was my job prior to going back to graduate school (as I already had a Master's degree in another field) that I felt inspired me to dig deeper and to think that maybe with a Ph.D., I could have more flexibility and would have more leverage to work in applied settings where I could make even more of a difference in the lives of those targeted by human rights abuses.  I also loved teaching, and I wanted to inspire other young minds to do the same.  However, I still vividly remember all those I used to work with, and I often miss it.  Then again, I have come this far in my program, and have undoubtedly been through more major life changes since I started the program than in the few years beforehand.  I guess I have to cut myself some slack in this regard; I know that all grad students go through these thoughts of frustration at some point. However, it is not just the past that sometimes exudes my mental energy when I should be reading journal articles or coding data.  I worry about the future-- not just the far away future, but the more immediate (i.e., next semester).  I worry that my funding is running out, because although it takes everyone in my program an average of 7-8 years to finish (and, I'm not talking about people with children), the university only funds us through five years.  Also, it doesn't matter to them that I officially took on semester off when my son was born, and unofficially took another off when my daughter was born.  Thus, I have been frantically looking for all employment options possible for the summer and fall, whilst also wondering how we might be able to afford to send my daughter to day care more than part time.  Although I am a person of faith, I still have a hard time letting go of these things and just doing my part day to day.  We don't even know what the next moment holds, let alone the next month or year, but sometimes these things can eat up our time to the point where we feel we can't make the right amount of progress in the present.

I guess for today, I will  just have to stick to my "to do" list, and then repeat again tomorrow.  However, these competing mental discourses of past, present, and future always seem to hang over our heads in the academic world.

Working-from-home guilt

Well, today is my first day home alone since the week before Christmas.  Both kids were going to day care on Tuesdays/Thursdays last semester since I was teaching a class on those days.  This semester, I decided not to teach so that I could really make some progress in my program, but it just feels odd to be completely alone at home for a 9 hour period without having to prep/teach class and all that goes along with it.  I know that I desperately need this time to read for my comp exam, do work for my RAship (which has been my primary source of income for almost the past 2 years), and think about/work on my dissertation proposal, but I often have what I deem a multifaceted "working-from-home guilt."  As I just mentioned, there are numerous elements within this sense of guilt; I will name a few below:

1.  Feeling bad (as I did a little this morning) that my husband dropped the kids off at day care, even though he was in a bit of a rush to make a meeting (he had asked me to drop them off, but later said that he should be able to make it).  Seems a bit silly, I know.  This also relates to the larger issue that some of us working moms (whether you work from home, work out of the home, or a combination of both as has been my case) deal with from time to time:   guilt about day care.  This waxes and wanes  for me; I usually kick the guilt feeling when I reflect on the fact that it is getting increasingly difficult for me to make progress on the days that I am home with my 10 month old daughter and my son is in preschool.  I have to keep telling myself that this is a job too, even if it is not a "conventional" job and I really need some time during the day to move forward.  I could go on about that, but I will just end with a *sigh*.

2.  Having a complex about household chores.  Since I am home, I feel like I should try to do more household chores here and there.  Especially on the days I am home with DD, I try to do a few tasks here and there when she is occupying herself, but sometimes I feel the tug between doing a household task and getting work done.  Of course, what I end up doing also depends on the time frame I have, DD's mood and feeding schedule, etc.  However, often at the end of the day I feel some sense of guilt if the house is *still* as chaotic as it was first thing in the morning because I didn't get around to giving it some semblance of order due to my work. 

I guess that within those two points I mentioned there were others, but I know that there are more elements to this guilt that I have felt/thought of before and they are just not coming to mind right now!