Endings and beginnings

Today, I just had to take some time to reflect.  Of course, I should be working on the final chapter of my dissertation--yes, I am now at that point, although I feel like I really need more feedback from my chair before I proceed.  Maybe that is just an excuse because I have been agitated about other things, but it's just that time of year when I've been struck with nostalgic thoughts of endings and beginnings.

Today is my daughter's last day of preschool.  I'm not so much emotional about that, but it's the last day that either one of my kids will be spending at the Pre-K-8 school where both of them attended preschool.  It is a private school; my son first attended the preschool program there 4 years ago.  We will definitely miss the school; it is somewhat the end of an era for us. 

Today my son attended his first second grade orientation.  I don't feel exceptionally emotional about that either, but it is another sign that one chapter is closing and another is beginning.

Of course, so many other thoughts are swirling in my head as I reflect on these milestones.  I feel bad that I couldn't volunteer at either kids' school, because of the demands of my job and the dissertation.  However, I try to tell myself that I'm not the only parent in this position, and finishing is going to be better for all of us. In the same vein, I feel bad in a sense that I am sending the kids to camp for nearly 6 weeks out of the summer.  But again, this is all for good reason.

And here I am--- wondering, am I really, really nearing the end?  It's like I have a feeling of disbelief mixed with a horrible case of imposter syndrome.  The latter has really trickled over into my identity as a faculty member as well.  I keep having these thoughts-- am I really competent as a faculty member?  Is my work really worthy of a Ph.D.?  Will my adviser like what I wrote, or will I be required to do extensive revisions?  What about the other committee members who I've barely communicated with since my proposal defense 3 years ago?  Then, there are other worries.  Will I have the time, with my teaching load and service responsibilities, to carry on my identity as a researcher? Will I be able to publish? Will there be other opportunities? 

I've read enough articles online, some of them multiple times for my own assurance, that I know that these thoughts are normal.  However, it doesn't help my anxiety, which I feel has really peaked the last few days. 

At the same time, I've started to think about what my life will be like once this dissertation isn't hanging over my head.  Will I feel less anxious?  Will I be able to actually develop a hobby or two (like photography, which I've always wanted to pursue-- and maybe getting involved in music again)? Will I be able to enjoy my kids' activities more, like my son, who keeps asking to take violin lessons but I just haven't had the time to figure it all out? Will I feel more fulfilled in my role as a faculty member?  Of course, these are just a few of the thoughts I've had.  Nevertheless, louder is this nagging thought that it might take longer than I think to finish-- but I wonder if that's just the imposter syndrome talking, and not the reality.  

Closer than we think

What a semester.  I had actually drafted another post, but decided for various reasons not to post it.  I had hidden struggles this semester, but by the grace of God, I got through them.  Now here I am, still stuck between some work responsibilities and my dissertation, and feeling just a bit run down physically.  Yet, it's getting closer.  That finish line of having a full draft of the dissertation.  A friend recently said, "You are probably closer than you think."  She said this because I mentioned that I feel close, yet so far away. 

"You are probably closer than you think."

I hesitate to post on Facebook that I just finished a draft of my introductory chapter.  I feel bad in the sense that a couple of my friends (and comrades in this struggle) are not at the same point as me, although they are also closer than they think.  I don't know if I could have gotten through this last year since I started writing without these friends.  Granted, we live pretty far away from each other, but we are there for each other. I've also joined a couple of Facebook groups that have been immensely encouraging and helpful in this process.

"You are probably closer than you think."

Yes.  I have the introductory chapter drafted, as well as my 3 substantive chapters.  Now, I just need to read through the chapters again, make edits, and draft the concluding chapter.  Part of me has no clue how to do this, although I've looked at other dissertations and I have a general idea of what to do.  Part of me is just afraid in a way.  Part of me is excessively worried about revisions and any additional hoops I will be expected to jump through before I can really be done. 

Part of me wishes that I had stuck to a strict writing schedule this semester, and I would have already had that full draft completed.  However, it was just too much and my mental health had already suffered.  It would have been nice to have much of the summer off, but we can't be too hard on ourselves. 

I think yes, I am closer than I think, although much work is left to be done.