Another holiday bites the dust

It's Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  I spend a little bit of time reflecting on this in the morning, whilst preparing my kids to go out with my husband for the day. I'll let you in on a little secret-- I wanted to go with them.  Yes, I've been frustrated with some behavioral issues lately and needed the break (not to mention my son has no school tomorrow), and yes, I needed the time to get some writing done.  However, I'm starting to find out that I get more frustrated having these huge time blocks.  I know that sounds counterintuitive.  I have plenty of things I could be doing, even besides working on the dissertation.  However, I'm finding that too much time at once isn't always the best for me.   Sure, I spent about 2 hours this morning trying to submit an abstract and paper excerpts to a conference, and I had to get that done.  And yes, I did get about an hour's worth of writing done.  Nevertheless, here we are at almost 3 p.m., and I know I should try to do more, but I just keep thinking about how I'm missing out.  It's an odd time of year, too.  My weekday classes start on Thursday; I have a busy week ahead with class on Saturday among various other household obligations and appointments.  I'm just feeling somewhat stuck.  I keep thinking that if I just keep writing, I will feel less stuck.  I'm not 100% there yet, but I keep thinking about what my adviser said-- "just get things down on the paper", and you can rework it later.  That's definitely true; every little bit helps.  Now, maybe I should go to the store....:)

Be kind to yourself, as my colleague says

I've drafted many posts in the past 2 weeks, but decided to keep them mostly as a personal journal.  The holidays were good, and I did end up taking a few days break here and there, but it also wasn't a complete break (even from dealing with students and ongoing assignments).  Of course, I worked on my dissertation, but I didn't end up achieving my goals.  I had already pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was going to postpone my defense, but I still feel somewhat of a loss of morale.  I also feel like in the process, I lost a few days that I could have spent with my family.  I know that this comes with the package of trying to finish a dissertation, but at a time when I look forward to it, it pretty much stunk.

A couple things just keep standing out to me.  1) I have sought advice from many different people, blogs, websites,  etc.  Yes, much of it has been greatly helpful, but I have to keep one thing in mind (and you should, too).  I am a unique individual, and what works for other people might not work for me, and that is fine.  Some people might be able to write all weekend, but I have to teach on many weekends, and I often have other responsibilities.  Also, my husband is in academics, which makes certain times less flexible than it would for other people.  In addition, I struggle many times with anxiety (and lingering depression at other times), and although I would be considered very "high functioning", I still need to keep a check on myself.  Accordingly, I am trying to balance a new tenure-track position, with growing expectations (whereby many weeks I work 6 days), with writing this thing.  And, especially in reflecting on the difficulties I experienced just this morning-- kids.  Not everyone's kids are the same and go through the same things at the same time.  Some kids get sick constantly and need more care.  Other kids (like mine lately) have behavioral issues that can be draining at times.   These are just a few things that come to mind when I think of this point.  2) The world isn't going to come crashing down if *I* take a few extra months to finish and defend.  I finally broached this topic more pointedly with my husband who, understandably, just wants to see me finish for my own overall health.  I explained that I felt my overall health would suffer if I tried to push myself over the edge this semester. 

The bottom line is, we can be our own worst enemies sometimes, but we need to reflect on what is best for ourselves.  No one else can look inward as best as we can.