"I can't even..." and, "I can"
I can't even about this election. I'm tired about arguments about various related issues at home and on social media. I'm tired of people who we thought were lifelong friends spewing rudeness and judgment.
I can't even about the fact that racism, sexism, and xenophobia still exist in this country and many people just want to swipe it under the rug.
I can't even when me, as the professor, cares more about a student's grade than they do themselves. I can't even with all the excuses.
I can't even with trying to balance things sometimes. As I've said over and over again in this blog, it feels like a tsunami with wave after wave coming in with no end in sight.
I can't even with my dissertation. As a friend wisely said to me recently on Facebook, it's like I know what I want to say, but it's difficult to get it on paper. It's like I can see the big picture, but no light at the end of the tunnel, and it can be stifling at times.
I can't even with my own feeling of regret and sometimes jealousy. If I had only done something differently over the summer, if I had only thought more carefully about my schedule, if I were only more motivated, and the list goes on. I'm happy for comrades who have recently finished, but I feel a pang that it could have been me, if only.
Now, to try and reverse things a bit.
I CAN take a stand for the right thing, even in small ways.
I CAN play a more active role in advocating for policies.
I CAN make this work. I WILL make this work, even if it makes me uncomfortable. I HAVE TO be more deliberate about my schedule. I WILL block out distractions.
I CAN move forward even a little bit every day. I won't get everything done in a day, a week, or even a month. BUT, I CAN make progress, and I WILL.
I CAN finish this blasted thing. I HAVE the ability to do it, even if I often feel otherwise and imposter syndrome creeps in constantly.
I CAN overcome often crippling anxiety.
I CAN do it. I WILL.