So much has happened since I last posted. I've been to dissertation hell and back. Let's just say that even one committee member can throw you for a loop if they don't like your draft. I've been working every day on the thing, to the point where my mental and physical health has suffered. I'm sitting here today, when I could have been out with family and friends, trying to work on it. I think it's safe to say that I'm a bit burnt out, between working on the diss and all of my work responsibilities. Oh, and don't forget the household-- well, it definitely looks like it's been forgotten this last month. Today, I put in about an hour of work on the diss, and then I graded some papers. Then I did some laundry. But, I had wanted to spend all the time on the diss. I honestly was feeling almost traumatized by it.
In about a month from now, I will defend, but I only have about a week and a half to complete these edits. In the midst of all this, I can't but help but feel nostalgia. Nostalgia for falls past, when I wasn't so under the gun. When I was actually able to enjoy a Sunday afternoon with my family, rather than feeling a huge pit in my stomach and a weight on my chest; impatient with the kids because I just need the quiet. Nostalgia even for those pre-PhD days, when I didn't even think of this or know what it was all about. Nostalgia for apple picking, and going away for the long weekend to see foliage.
And then I think, you know, despite all this stress, I have it pretty good. I have a roof over my head; I have clean water and food to eat. Why am I letting this PhD thing rule my life to the point of misery, when I am really very privileged at this point in time.
Soon, I hope I feel that weight lifted. But I also have to remember, that the weight I feel right now is not as heavy as others'.