Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Endings and beginnings

Today, I just had to take some time to reflect.  Of course, I should be working on the final chapter of my dissertation--yes, I am now at that point, although I feel like I really need more feedback from my chair before I proceed.  Maybe that is just an excuse because I have been agitated about other things, but it's just that time of year when I've been struck with nostalgic thoughts of endings and beginnings.

Today is my daughter's last day of preschool.  I'm not so much emotional about that, but it's the last day that either one of my kids will be spending at the Pre-K-8 school where both of them attended preschool.  It is a private school; my son first attended the preschool program there 4 years ago.  We will definitely miss the school; it is somewhat the end of an era for us. 

Today my son attended his first second grade orientation.  I don't feel exceptionally emotional about that either, but it is another sign that one chapter is closing and another is beginning.

Of course, so many other thoughts are swirling in my head as I reflect on these milestones.  I feel bad that I couldn't volunteer at either kids' school, because of the demands of my job and the dissertation.  However, I try to tell myself that I'm not the only parent in this position, and finishing is going to be better for all of us. In the same vein, I feel bad in a sense that I am sending the kids to camp for nearly 6 weeks out of the summer.  But again, this is all for good reason.

And here I am--- wondering, am I really, really nearing the end?  It's like I have a feeling of disbelief mixed with a horrible case of imposter syndrome.  The latter has really trickled over into my identity as a faculty member as well.  I keep having these thoughts-- am I really competent as a faculty member?  Is my work really worthy of a Ph.D.?  Will my adviser like what I wrote, or will I be required to do extensive revisions?  What about the other committee members who I've barely communicated with since my proposal defense 3 years ago?  Then, there are other worries.  Will I have the time, with my teaching load and service responsibilities, to carry on my identity as a researcher? Will I be able to publish? Will there be other opportunities? 

I've read enough articles online, some of them multiple times for my own assurance, that I know that these thoughts are normal.  However, it doesn't help my anxiety, which I feel has really peaked the last few days. 


At the same time, I've started to think about what my life will be like once this dissertation isn't hanging over my head.  Will I feel less anxious?  Will I be able to actually develop a hobby or two (like photography, which I've always wanted to pursue-- and maybe getting involved in music again)? Will I be able to enjoy my kids' activities more, like my son, who keeps asking to take violin lessons but I just haven't had the time to figure it all out? Will I feel more fulfilled in my role as a faculty member?  Of course, these are just a few of the thoughts I've had.  Nevertheless, louder is this nagging thought that it might take longer than I think to finish-- but I wonder if that's just the imposter syndrome talking, and not the reality.  

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