Wednesday, November 13, 2013

As stuff keeps getting piled on....

Hello!  Yes, I am still around, hanging on as the semester trudges on.  I can't tell you how many times I have drafted posts since my last post way back in the summer, only to refrain from hitting "publish" because I either didn't have the time to finish my thoughts or because I felt that the post was waaaay too much of a vent/whine/etc.  Anyways, I'm sure that we can all relate to those types of posts. 

I came to the realization a long time back that I took on way too much this semester.  A large part of it was out of financial necessity-- needing to pay bills (of course), continuation tuition (which really should be in the "bills" category), day care, etc etc etc.....  However, my original purpose for getting more child care has been all but squashed (but the semester isn't quite over yet, right??).  My life has been taken over by teaching and other miscellaneous jobs, and I've made very little progress on my dissertation proposal. 

There have been many days where I've purposed in my heart/mind and have actually written in my calendar that I would give the best part of my day to brainstorming about/outlining/reviewing additional literature for my proposal.  That did happen a few times.  However, there is always something else which takes over as more of an immediate priority, and it usually has to do with teaching.  You see, I've just come to the point where I can't get decent work done after 9 p.m.; my kids often don't go to bed until about 8:30 or 9.  I thought that daylight savings would help them go to bed even a little earlier, but it turns out that they decided to go to bed an hour LATER that weekend, so my original theory was debunked.  Along with this, I know that I won't be able to get anything done at all between 5 p.m. and 9 p.m.  Of course, there have been a few times where I really needed that time, and DH took care of the kids so that I could focus on getting stuff done.  However, I want to spend that time with my kids, and I'm often at the point by 5 p.m. where I need the break anyways!! DH can't always make dinner and do all of that, because he also has to prepare for his classes on some days.  All of this to say that if I NEED to get something done for the next day, which often involves course prep so I don't feel like I'm totally disorganized and mumbo jumboed (if that can be an adjective) during my 3 classes, I need to do it while the kids are in preschool/day care. 

However, you can imagine that I am very frustrated and disappointed with myself for not making the progress that I had hoped on my proposal.  Time is one part of it, but the other is that I keep fluctuating about my topic and the direction that I want to take with the research.  This is CONSTANTLY on my mind.  Just when I think I have it, I really don't have it, and I still don't feel this sense of surety about it.  I'm just hoping and praying that I can break ground with this soon.  I haven't been in touch with my advisors in a few weeks because of all this.  I feel that just when I feel that I need to spend several hours or even a whole day thinking and working on this, something else gets piled on.  It's like sitting at the foot of a stairwell and several people standing at the top keep throwing papers upon papers on you; because it is a more enclosed space it gets to the point where you are swimming in the papers, and you can't even see the people standing at the balcony above.  I know that many of my grad student or former grad student colleagues can relate to this.  And you know, it's not completely an issue of confidence, because every time I look over a recent dissertation I think to myself, "this isn't so bad, I can do this!" I can do it, but I really need to get the time, make the time, and make a solid decision about what I am going to do and how.  I'm finding that to be a bit difficult at this point in time.