My mind has been spinning lately due to a variety of issues, so this post might not be too organized. This line came to my mind last night, and although it might have been a pithy Facebook status, I refrained from posting it. Despite the fact that most if not all of my grad student friends could relate, I guess I want to appear more like I "have things together":
"Oh academia, how thou dost confuse, vex, annoy, and rattle me sometimes to the point where I go through the day with nostalgic thoughts of my past career; although the latter was quite stressful at times, I at least felt and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was making some difference in human lives, as opposed to being isolated by my present academic tasks."
True, it was my job prior to going back to graduate school (as I already had a Master's degree in another field) that I felt inspired me to dig deeper and to think that maybe with a Ph.D., I could have more flexibility and would have more leverage to work in applied settings where I could make even more of a difference in the lives of those targeted by human rights abuses. I also loved teaching, and I wanted to inspire other young minds to do the same. However, I still vividly remember all those I used to work with, and I often miss it. Then again, I have come this far in my program, and have undoubtedly been through more major life changes since I started the program than in the few years beforehand. I guess I have to cut myself some slack in this regard; I know that all grad students go through these thoughts of frustration at some point. However, it is not just the past that sometimes exudes my mental energy when I should be reading journal articles or coding data. I worry about the future-- not just the far away future, but the more immediate (i.e., next semester). I worry that my funding is running out, because although it takes everyone in my program an average of 7-8 years to finish (and, I'm not talking about people with children), the university only funds us through five years. Also, it doesn't matter to them that I officially took on semester off when my son was born, and unofficially took another off when my daughter was born. Thus, I have been frantically looking for all employment options possible for the summer and fall, whilst also wondering how we might be able to afford to send my daughter to day care more than part time. Although I am a person of faith, I still have a hard time letting go of these things and just doing my part day to day. We don't even know what the next moment holds, let alone the next month or year, but sometimes these things can eat up our time to the point where we feel we can't make the right amount of progress in the present.
I guess for today, I will just have to stick to my "to do" list, and then repeat again tomorrow. However, these competing mental discourses of past, present, and future always seem to hang over our heads in the academic world.
"Oh academia, how thou dost confuse, vex, annoy, and rattle me sometimes to the point where I go through the day with nostalgic thoughts of my past career; although the latter was quite stressful at times, I at least felt and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was making some difference in human lives, as opposed to being isolated by my present academic tasks."
True, it was my job prior to going back to graduate school (as I already had a Master's degree in another field) that I felt inspired me to dig deeper and to think that maybe with a Ph.D., I could have more flexibility and would have more leverage to work in applied settings where I could make even more of a difference in the lives of those targeted by human rights abuses. I also loved teaching, and I wanted to inspire other young minds to do the same. However, I still vividly remember all those I used to work with, and I often miss it. Then again, I have come this far in my program, and have undoubtedly been through more major life changes since I started the program than in the few years beforehand. I guess I have to cut myself some slack in this regard; I know that all grad students go through these thoughts of frustration at some point. However, it is not just the past that sometimes exudes my mental energy when I should be reading journal articles or coding data. I worry about the future-- not just the far away future, but the more immediate (i.e., next semester). I worry that my funding is running out, because although it takes everyone in my program an average of 7-8 years to finish (and, I'm not talking about people with children), the university only funds us through five years. Also, it doesn't matter to them that I officially took on semester off when my son was born, and unofficially took another off when my daughter was born. Thus, I have been frantically looking for all employment options possible for the summer and fall, whilst also wondering how we might be able to afford to send my daughter to day care more than part time. Although I am a person of faith, I still have a hard time letting go of these things and just doing my part day to day. We don't even know what the next moment holds, let alone the next month or year, but sometimes these things can eat up our time to the point where we feel we can't make the right amount of progress in the present.
I guess for today, I will just have to stick to my "to do" list, and then repeat again tomorrow. However, these competing mental discourses of past, present, and future always seem to hang over our heads in the academic world.
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