The last 5 months...

The last 5 months have been a whirlwind.  I am happy to report that I successfully defended my dissertation, completed the minor revisions, and officially graduated.  Like the continual broken record, I'll say that I wanted to post so many times, but for lack of time and adequate words, I refrained.  I took on some extra service projects at work that have been time consuming (to say the least), which along with my teaching responsibilities have just filled in the time that I would have been spending on my dissertation, if I still had that thing to work on.  The holiday break was very short, and I found myself beginning the semester feeling very depleted.  Now, it is around the midpoint of the semester. My college has "spring" "break" this week (notice the deliberate quotations on each word), yet I've found it difficult to try to unwind since I still had work to do.  I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and take everything one day at a time, but it's difficult when the calendar looks insane for the coming weeks.

This week has some level of nostalgia, though.  Last year at this time, I was taking a writing retreat which honestly was instrumental in helping me to finish my dissertation.  I've reflected on old Facebook posts on my time at the ocean, which motivated me to get that thing done.  Although I don't have the time right now to devote to it, I've found myself wanting to revisit my dissertation and think of a publication strategy.  I just wish that I had the mental space, physical energy, and time to begin doing that.

Lately, I'm trying to be more purposeful about living each day and enjoying it for what it is, rather than just trying to survive and get through the semester to my real first break in 10 years-- the summer.  It's been a challenge, but I'm especially trying to do it for my kids.  I feel that I've lost so much time with them in this journey, and I'm still trying to come to terms with whether or not it was worth it (100%).  I'm looking forward to having that time to reflect.

I've also been trying to take the advice to not get overly stressed out about work.  I've realized this semester that I have to set boundaries.  I can't be available 24/7 by e-mail.  I have a life too, and I have limitations.  I need to take care of my overall health.  I've been trying my best to be the best professor I can, given the fact that I began this semester with a decent case of burnout.  As a person of faith, I ask God to help me every day, although I need to get better about that as well.

I guess that right now, in retrospect, I have no words of wisdom to offer other than I'm glad that I finished and persevered, despite all that I went through in the last 10 years (and last semester in particular).  I think that I haven't fully processed everything yet...

Nostalgia

So much has happened since I last posted.  I've been to dissertation hell and back.  Let's just say that even one committee member can throw you for a loop if they don't like your draft.  I've been working every day on the thing, to the point where my mental and physical health has suffered.  I'm sitting here today, when I could have been out with family and friends, trying to work on it.  I think it's safe to say that I'm a bit burnt out, between working on the diss and all of my work responsibilities.  Oh, and don't forget the household-- well, it definitely looks like it's been forgotten this last month.   Today, I put in about an hour of work on the diss, and then I graded some papers.  Then I did some laundry.  But, I had wanted to spend all the time on the diss.  I honestly was feeling almost traumatized by it.

In about a month from now, I will defend, but I only have about a week and a half to complete these edits.  In the midst of all this, I can't but help but feel nostalgia.  Nostalgia for falls past, when I wasn't so under the gun.  When I was actually able to enjoy a Sunday afternoon with my family, rather than feeling a huge pit in my stomach and a weight on my chest; impatient with the kids because I just need the quiet.  Nostalgia even for those pre-PhD days, when I didn't even think of this or know what it was all about.  Nostalgia for apple picking, and going away for the long weekend to see foliage. 

And then I think, you know, despite all this stress, I have it pretty good.  I have a roof over my head; I have clean water and food to eat.   Why am I letting this PhD thing rule my life to the point of misery, when I am really very privileged at this point in time. 

Soon, I hope I feel that weight lifted.  But I also have to remember, that the weight I feel right now is not as heavy as others'.

The anticlimactic finishing of the draft

Yes, I just finished the draft of my final dissertation chapter.  I don't know, but it's weird.   I don't feel all that excited.  I think part of it has to do with the "unknown" that is still out there.  What will my advisor think of all of this?  Will I have to do a million revisions?  And of course, what of the other committee members who I haven't spoken with in over a year?  Do my findings really make that big of a contribution? Part of me feels like they're just going to say, "who cares?" Plus, I'm just feeling downright tired today.  And, my mind has started swirling (already) with all the stuff I have to do to get ready for the fall semester.  After all, in a little over a month, everything is going to start up full swing, and it's not like I've gotten a break from all stuff work related anyways.

I really should feel some sort of relief, and I should at least be a little proud of myself.  But, it's just not there.  I'm also afraid to post on Facebook about it.  I guess I'm just afraid that I'm going to jinx myself.  Argh!

Post 4th of July Blues

There's something about the 4th of July.  It's probably my favorite holiday.  Number one-- it's in the summer, which is my favorite time of year.  Number two-- I just love all the festivities.  On the other hand, it has often felt like a fulcrum for the summer.  Sometimes it feels like after the 4th passes, the rest of the summer zooms by.  Part of this is the fact that course prep and other work responsibilities commence towards the beginning of August.  This year, it's also a bit scary for me, since I wanted to have a polished draft of my dissertation done by the end of July.

I really think I'm almost there, it's just that dang conclusion chapter that I'm afraid to finish.  Part of me feels like my findings aren't that groundbreaking.  The other part of me is just finding it difficult to put part of that chapter into words.  The other issue is, I'm  not talking with my advisor until the third week of this month.  This was not according to my preferences, obviously, so I've been a bit upset about that (well maybe, "a bit" is an understatement.  Long story).  But, I have only a few days to finish a draft of that concluding chapter.  Part of me has been blatantly procrastinating, and the other part of me has just been burnt out.  

I posted on social media about the fact that I had an unproductive day yesterday.  A friend wisely replied, that possibly, I just need a break.  She reminded me that I actually am a productive person, but perhaps, I am just tired.  This is so true.  The other redeeming part of all this is that I have been trying to do some other small household projects, although my motivation for that is also failing lately.

The other thing is, I want to make memories with my family this summer, and I am determined that this will happen.  I admit that I've spent hours in the past couple weeks planning a couple of weekend getaways, as well as trying to finalize plans for conference travel.  I don't consider this to be a waste of time.  It's actually been a relief for me.  I also keep telling myself that it's ok that the kids are in camp, even if I'm not being super productive in terms of writing.  I was recently talking to a teacher who has the summer off; their child is also attending a few weeks of camp.  I also know that I made the right decision when I pick them up each day, and they excitedly tell me about all the activities.  They're getting swimming lessons too, which is awesome.  In addition, I know that if they were home with me all day (even if I did take them out), they would constantly fight.  This way, they're getting interaction with other kids, and they are learning new and interesting things.

For now, I have to figure out a way to get myself back in gear.  Maybe if I can even write a paragraph today, it would be good.  Let's see.  

Endings and beginnings

Today, I just had to take some time to reflect.  Of course, I should be working on the final chapter of my dissertation--yes, I am now at that point, although I feel like I really need more feedback from my chair before I proceed.  Maybe that is just an excuse because I have been agitated about other things, but it's just that time of year when I've been struck with nostalgic thoughts of endings and beginnings.

Today is my daughter's last day of preschool.  I'm not so much emotional about that, but it's the last day that either one of my kids will be spending at the Pre-K-8 school where both of them attended preschool.  It is a private school; my son first attended the preschool program there 4 years ago.  We will definitely miss the school; it is somewhat the end of an era for us. 

Today my son attended his first second grade orientation.  I don't feel exceptionally emotional about that either, but it is another sign that one chapter is closing and another is beginning.

Of course, so many other thoughts are swirling in my head as I reflect on these milestones.  I feel bad that I couldn't volunteer at either kids' school, because of the demands of my job and the dissertation.  However, I try to tell myself that I'm not the only parent in this position, and finishing is going to be better for all of us. In the same vein, I feel bad in a sense that I am sending the kids to camp for nearly 6 weeks out of the summer.  But again, this is all for good reason.

And here I am--- wondering, am I really, really nearing the end?  It's like I have a feeling of disbelief mixed with a horrible case of imposter syndrome.  The latter has really trickled over into my identity as a faculty member as well.  I keep having these thoughts-- am I really competent as a faculty member?  Is my work really worthy of a Ph.D.?  Will my adviser like what I wrote, or will I be required to do extensive revisions?  What about the other committee members who I've barely communicated with since my proposal defense 3 years ago?  Then, there are other worries.  Will I have the time, with my teaching load and service responsibilities, to carry on my identity as a researcher? Will I be able to publish? Will there be other opportunities? 

I've read enough articles online, some of them multiple times for my own assurance, that I know that these thoughts are normal.  However, it doesn't help my anxiety, which I feel has really peaked the last few days. 

At the same time, I've started to think about what my life will be like once this dissertation isn't hanging over my head.  Will I feel less anxious?  Will I be able to actually develop a hobby or two (like photography, which I've always wanted to pursue-- and maybe getting involved in music again)? Will I be able to enjoy my kids' activities more, like my son, who keeps asking to take violin lessons but I just haven't had the time to figure it all out? Will I feel more fulfilled in my role as a faculty member?  Of course, these are just a few of the thoughts I've had.  Nevertheless, louder is this nagging thought that it might take longer than I think to finish-- but I wonder if that's just the imposter syndrome talking, and not the reality.  

Closer than we think

What a semester.  I had actually drafted another post, but decided for various reasons not to post it.  I had hidden struggles this semester, but by the grace of God, I got through them.  Now here I am, still stuck between some work responsibilities and my dissertation, and feeling just a bit run down physically.  Yet, it's getting closer.  That finish line of having a full draft of the dissertation.  A friend recently said, "You are probably closer than you think."  She said this because I mentioned that I feel close, yet so far away. 

"You are probably closer than you think."

I hesitate to post on Facebook that I just finished a draft of my introductory chapter.  I feel bad in the sense that a couple of my friends (and comrades in this struggle) are not at the same point as me, although they are also closer than they think.  I don't know if I could have gotten through this last year since I started writing without these friends.  Granted, we live pretty far away from each other, but we are there for each other. I've also joined a couple of Facebook groups that have been immensely encouraging and helpful in this process.

"You are probably closer than you think."

Yes.  I have the introductory chapter drafted, as well as my 3 substantive chapters.  Now, I just need to read through the chapters again, make edits, and draft the concluding chapter.  Part of me has no clue how to do this, although I've looked at other dissertations and I have a general idea of what to do.  Part of me is just afraid in a way.  Part of me is excessively worried about revisions and any additional hoops I will be expected to jump through before I can really be done. 

Part of me wishes that I had stuck to a strict writing schedule this semester, and I would have already had that full draft completed.  However, it was just too much and my mental health had already suffered.  It would have been nice to have much of the summer off, but we can't be too hard on ourselves. 

I think yes, I am closer than I think, although much work is left to be done.

Writing retreat, or "dissercation"

This last month was insane.  Teaching writing-intensive courses and advising students had gotten the best of me last month.  Not to mention my husband and son were overseas for two weeks, and I was home alone with my daughter.  Then, there was school vacation week and I got behind on grading.  Aahhh!!! Fast forward to this week-- it is Spring Break.  And, am I taking a break?  Um, not 100%.  I spent part of Monday grading, and then I drove to another destination to start my writing retreat, otherwise known as "dissercation."  First of all, it's weird being by myself for such an extended period of time, morning, noon, and night.  I can't remember the last time I did this.  Second, it's  not all that easy, either.  However, once I arrived 2 days ago, I was able to get a decent amount of work done.   Yesterday morning, I did some work, went for a swim, did some work, went for a drive by the ocean, came back, and did some more work.  However, in the tevening, I just couldn't do too much.  My back was hurting from sitting for so long in front of the computer, so I just decided to take a break and watch TV.  This morning, I did some work reviewing literature, went for a swim, talked on the phone with another friend who is doing the same type of thing this week, and then I decided to take a  decent break in the afternoon.  I was freaking out about all the literature I need to review to vamp up the lit review from my proposal.  I spent some time by the ocean-- a couple of times today, and that made my day.  After all, I need to take advantage of some of this quiet time, that I won't have when I travel back home tomorrow.

A "dissercation" is a good way to get some momentum back, but it's unrealistic to expect that you will be able to just sit and work on the dissertation non-stop all day.  I'm also at a point where I know what I need to do, but I'm feeling a bit stuck.  That's why I used some of the time to review literature, and even work on my bibliography (because I'm old school when it comes to that--  no Endnote for me!).  I also started a document for my notes, and I'm finding that I might have to add quite a bit to some of my other chapters as well.

Plus, I don't like to toot my own horn so to speak, but I want to give myself some credit.  I hardly looked at my dissertation in the last 2-3 weeks because of all the craziness, and thankfully, I was able to pick up momentum right after I arrived for this "retreat".  I admit that I kind of fizzled out today, but at least *something* got done even today.

Tomorrow morning, I plan to do some work, but I might try to fit in another swim before I leave.  Then, I plan to swing by another one of my favorite beaches before heading home.  I'm already planning to do another one of these in June or July, or who knows, maybe even before if I can squeeze it in.  Hopefully, at that point, I will be in a better place to just write the whole time.  Going into this, I had some uncertainties, but I'm glad I can say that it was worth it on many levels.

Just open the document!!!

There is so much going on in the world right now that saddens and angers me.  For that matter, there is also a great deal going on in my own life right now.  Regardless, I wanted to share this tidbit of advice that I received today (and I have to say that I've heard this before, but I felt more impetus to apply it on a regular, um, daily, basis):  just open the document!!! Open it every day.  Write a word.  write a phrase.  write a sentence.  It might turn into more, even on days when you're so exhausted at 9:30 p.m., yet you just feel too aggravated to even turn on the TV.  Days when the house is in chaos and you child had to stay home sick from school.  Days when your mind is numb from grading.  And, get some accountability.  I started one of these groups online, and I'm a member of another group.  Just posting my goals and feeling encouraged to press on because others are checking up on me.  I also talk with a couple of friends in my program on a regular basis.  Sometimes, it's just a brief Facebook message.  Other times, it's a Skype call.  It helps.  If even just to keep our sanity, it's a blessing.

Ok now, go open that document!

Another holiday bites the dust

It's Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  I spend a little bit of time reflecting on this in the morning, whilst preparing my kids to go out with my husband for the day. I'll let you in on a little secret-- I wanted to go with them.  Yes, I've been frustrated with some behavioral issues lately and needed the break (not to mention my son has no school tomorrow), and yes, I needed the time to get some writing done.  However, I'm starting to find out that I get more frustrated having these huge time blocks.  I know that sounds counterintuitive.  I have plenty of things I could be doing, even besides working on the dissertation.  However, I'm finding that too much time at once isn't always the best for me.   Sure, I spent about 2 hours this morning trying to submit an abstract and paper excerpts to a conference, and I had to get that done.  And yes, I did get about an hour's worth of writing done.  Nevertheless, here we are at almost 3 p.m., and I know I should try to do more, but I just keep thinking about how I'm missing out.  It's an odd time of year, too.  My weekday classes start on Thursday; I have a busy week ahead with class on Saturday among various other household obligations and appointments.  I'm just feeling somewhat stuck.  I keep thinking that if I just keep writing, I will feel less stuck.  I'm not 100% there yet, but I keep thinking about what my adviser said-- "just get things down on the paper", and you can rework it later.  That's definitely true; every little bit helps.  Now, maybe I should go to the store....:)

Be kind to yourself, as my colleague says

I've drafted many posts in the past 2 weeks, but decided to keep them mostly as a personal journal.  The holidays were good, and I did end up taking a few days break here and there, but it also wasn't a complete break (even from dealing with students and ongoing assignments).  Of course, I worked on my dissertation, but I didn't end up achieving my goals.  I had already pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was going to postpone my defense, but I still feel somewhat of a loss of morale.  I also feel like in the process, I lost a few days that I could have spent with my family.  I know that this comes with the package of trying to finish a dissertation, but at a time when I look forward to it, it pretty much stunk.

A couple things just keep standing out to me.  1) I have sought advice from many different people, blogs, websites,  etc.  Yes, much of it has been greatly helpful, but I have to keep one thing in mind (and you should, too).  I am a unique individual, and what works for other people might not work for me, and that is fine.  Some people might be able to write all weekend, but I have to teach on many weekends, and I often have other responsibilities.  Also, my husband is in academics, which makes certain times less flexible than it would for other people.  In addition, I struggle many times with anxiety (and lingering depression at other times), and although I would be considered very "high functioning", I still need to keep a check on myself.  Accordingly, I am trying to balance a new tenure-track position, with growing expectations (whereby many weeks I work 6 days), with writing this thing.  And, especially in reflecting on the difficulties I experienced just this morning-- kids.  Not everyone's kids are the same and go through the same things at the same time.  Some kids get sick constantly and need more care.  Other kids (like mine lately) have behavioral issues that can be draining at times.   These are just a few things that come to mind when I think of this point.  2) The world isn't going to come crashing down if *I* take a few extra months to finish and defend.  I finally broached this topic more pointedly with my husband who, understandably, just wants to see me finish for my own overall health.  I explained that I felt my overall health would suffer if I tried to push myself over the edge this semester. 

The bottom line is, we can be our own worst enemies sometimes, but we need to reflect on what is best for ourselves.  No one else can look inward as best as we can. 

The clock keeps ticking....

I wrote the following post last Saturday night.  FWIW, after I drafted this post, I cranked out a page of my diss.  At 11 p.m.  I've decided that I really have to stop limiting myself to the 9-5 when my kids are in school/after school.  Of course, it doesn't help when one child or another won't go to bed at 8:30 and is sitting downstairs with me at 10 p.m., but that's an issue for another day and another blog. Also, maybe writing for this blog more often would be more helpful?!? In addition, I realized that I haven't included any writing updates in the last few posts.  I've pretty much drafted 2 full substantive chapters, and I've started on my third.  Not too bad, I guess, but I really need to crank it out over this holiday break.  If I don't, I don't think I'll be able to pull off an April defense, considering my teaching load and responsibilities for the Spring.  Let's see.

*****

I sat there with my kids today watching a good Ole Disney movie.  It's been a weird week in a lot of ways.  Finals week; I got everything graded and just need to finalize and submit grades.  My son had a surgical procedure on Thursday.  I did very, very little dissertation work this week.  Today, we didn't do much like I said, but sometimes I wish I could stop time.  But, time just keeps going on.  I wish I could stop time and enjoy some of these moments, but at the same time, I wish I could speed through time and everything would get done in the process.  I feel constantly uneasy when I can't work on my dissertation for various reasons.   I'm annoyed when I can't get in the zone, but then again, my life is bigger than just my dissertation.

I've decided I'm going to be fine if I can't defend in April.  I am still aiming for it, though.  I would be disappointed to not be at the hooding ceremony with many people I know, many people with whom I struggled these last 8 years.  There were many times over these last 8 years when I felt the same about the clock-- I wish it could have stopped at some places, and I wish it could have moved faster in others.  But of course, the university never stopped my clock when I had 2 kids, and now the college where I teach is not stopping my tenure clock for me to get my dissertation done.  Everything is just moving so fast.

I was telling a colleague yesterday about my plan to crank out the dissy work over the break (which is very, very short for me).  She wisely told me to take a few days off.  I think I need it mentally and emotionally, but it's a double edged sword as I said earlier.  I look at my calendar and think of days when I will have a meeting here or an appointment there; I'll have to finalize a few more grades here; and I worry about my April goal slipping quickly away.  I feel isolated; I have no time to be collegial and read drafts of fellow students, but I don't know how to tell them no since I would really love any support right now.  Other fellow dissertators and recent PhDs have told me that I'm in a good place, but I just don't feel it.  I just don't see it; the light at the end of the tunnel is dimmed by cloudy skies.

But then I keep telling myself, I'll do it.  But, I have to be realistic with my other responsibilities.  I know I am just not the type of person who can get up at 5 a.m. and crank out 1500 words.  I never was, so I need to stop lying to myself.  And, I want to enjoy the holidays. I want to stop the clock when my daughter is in the school nativity.  I want to stop the clock on Christmas morning.  I'm excited after all the gifts I bought the kids, and I can't wait, yet I can.  Dang this clock.

I CAN

"I can't even..." and, "I can"

I can't even about this election.  I'm tired about arguments about various related issues at home and on social media.  I'm tired of people who we thought were lifelong friends spewing rudeness and judgment.

I can't even about the fact that racism, sexism, and xenophobia still exist in this country and many people just want to swipe it under the rug.

I can't even when me, as the professor, cares more about a student's grade than they do themselves.  I can't even with all the excuses.

I can't even with trying to balance things sometimes.  As I've said over and over again in this blog, it feels like a tsunami with wave after wave coming in with no end in sight.

I can't even with my dissertation.  As a friend wisely said to me recently on Facebook, it's like I know what I want to say, but it's difficult to get it on paper.  It's like I can see the big picture, but no light at the end of the tunnel, and it can be stifling at times.

I can't even with my own feeling of regret and sometimes jealousy.  If I had only done something differently over the summer, if I had only thought more carefully about my schedule, if I were only more motivated, and the list goes on.  I'm happy for comrades who have recently finished, but I feel a pang that it could have been me, if only.

Now, to try and reverse things a bit.

I CAN.

I CAN take a stand for the right thing, even in small ways.

I CAN play a more active role in advocating for policies.

I CAN make this work.  I WILL make this work, even if it makes me uncomfortable.  I HAVE TO be more deliberate about my schedule.  I WILL block out distractions.

I CAN move forward even a little bit every day.  I won't get everything done in a day, a week, or even a month.  BUT, I CAN make progress, and I WILL.

I CAN finish this blasted thing.  I HAVE the ability to do it, even if I often feel otherwise and imposter syndrome creeps in constantly. 

I CAN overcome often crippling anxiety. 

I CAN do it.  I WILL.

Just trying to get everything done

I've seen more than a few posts on Facebook lately that people are just trying to keep their heads above water at this time in the semester.  Mountains of grading, course prep, etc. etc. just keep piling up. Not to mention, we all have lives outside of our jobs, and some of us are still wearing that grad student hat.  I've had a lot of internal conflict lately, and many a times I wanted to just sit down and write a post for this blog as a form of self-care.  I've had some medical issues which have impacted my mindset in the past month or so as well.  Not to mention, I need to check-in with my advisor this week, and frankly, I'm just going to be very honest that my original goals for this month were completely unrealistic.  However, all of that doesn't make me feel any better.

Today I'm supposed to be just focusing on writing for my dissertation, but as I write, I'm thinking about all of the analysis I should have done, not to mention the grading that sits there metaphorically on my to-do list yet is creeping around the corner, waiting to be done.  I also spent some unproductive time this morning envying stay at home moms, although I've done that role before and it ain't easy.  I just have a ball of anxiety in my stomach which seems to grow as the day goes on.

I have no advice to offer in this post, other than I'm just trying to keep my head above water and sometimes that's all we can do.  We can try to do our best at everything, but sometimes we have to be satisfied with just getting what we can done.  I'm at the point where I'm reassessing my writing goals, and just getting something done today (even if it's not finishing a chapter) might help to level out my anxiety even a little bit.

Wearing two hats = times of awkwardness and discomfort

Think of the literal feeling of wearing two hats.  It's weird and uncomfortable, right?  Now in the metaphorical sense, I'm just referring to teaching full time on the tenure track and trying to finish a dissertation.  Parenthood?  Of course that's a hat.  So I guess you could say I wear three, but anyways...

I'm feeling somewhat abandoned by my grad program, and my place of employment is now my new home.  Everyone there is incredibly supportive of the hats I wear.  However, just the nature of the work and the teaching load makes it difficult to wear these hats in the most even and balanced way possible. I try to take one full day per week to work on my dissertation, but it's sometimes difficult to guard that time.  Of course, I want to spend even more time during the other days, but the last few weeks have been crazy to say the least.

I sometimes feel like I'm "cheating on"  my dissertation-- I don't give it enough time; I miss it.  I see my goal starting to slip away, but really, is it slipping away, or is that just my perception?

I don't know who reads this blog, but I'm curious- if you're out there, do you wear different hats?  Are you working full time in an academic or non-academic job while dissertating? Or, have you done this in the past? I'd love to hear from you!

Measuring progress

In the 10 days, much has transpired.  The kids had their last days of school.  I submitted 30 pages to my adviser of what I'm now thinking will end up being 2 separate chapters (with obviously will require much editing and additions to each).  I took my kids out for 2 days.  Family came to visit for the weekend.  Kids started day camp.  In the last three days, I transcribed 3 interviews totaling about 200 minutes of audio and probably 8-9 hours of transcription time.  I've looked up a few peer-reviewed articles and I've sketched out some ideas related to my overall argument, and some topics/themes that I want to really flesh out somewhere in the dissertation.  I did some laundry and dishes.  I finally put those old clothes in my closet in a bag.  I wrote a recommendation letter for a student.  I bought some clothes for one of my kids.  Yet amongst all this, I'm feeling like somewhat of a failure.  I saw this post on Facebook about all the stuff we tell ourselves in academia.  Much of it is related to imposter syndrome, the competitive nature of academia, jealousy, and how all of that intersects.  Many times, it manifests in anxiety and/or depression, like I've said before.  For me, I feel like my anxiety level is going through the roof lately.  I guess I'm not alone.  Do a search on Twitter or Facebook with the words, depression anxiety, and tons of stuff comes up.  It doesn't help that we have a big trip coming up, that, well, I really wasn't too crazy about in the first place, and I have so much to get done before then.  However, what am I really measuring my progress up against?  Is  it some false notion that I MUST write something coherent every day, that even a fully transcribed interview that took me 3 hours of work time isn't a tangible enough measure of my success? Is it an unrealistic expectation that I've imposed upon myself, that I'll have all interviews coded and I'll have all my media articles reviewed within the next 3 weeks?  Really, anxiety can do strange things to one's ability to measure these things.

And, of course, some mom guilt mixes in. I'm paying for the kids to attend day camp, and I feel like I should have gotten so much more done. It's funny, because it almost feels like the last day of school was weeks ago, and they've been going to camp for weeks even though they just started on Monday.  Also, it doesn't help that some of the kids' stuff is on the other side of my desk.  I glance over, and I see this little happy-meal style box that one child brought home from their field day a couple weeks ago.  I look at the cartoonish scene on it, and I feel sad.  Sometimes I think to myself, "wouldn't it be better if they were spending the time with me?"  Then, I realize that I have gotten a good deal of work done this week, both academic and household-wise, that I wouldn't have been able to do if they weren't at camp.  Also, I think of how they've excitedly told me about the things they did each day, and how bored they might have been if they just had to sit in the house while I tried to get something done each day. But, sometimes I still feel bad, that even in the evenings when they come home, I'm not in the best of moods, although I try to switch gears.

Another thought goes back to something I mentioned earlier-- how are we measuring our progress?  I've read many articles and advice blogs about this.    If we're writing, many times, we think the first draft has to be perfect, which becomes a roadblock to progress.  Also, we can tend to think that anything we do BESIDES writing really isn't that important and isn't REAL progress. Again, that is wrong.  Yesterday, I spent about 2 hours thinking about an argument that I want to make in another chapter.  Reviewing literature and transcribing an interview helped me to think about how I want to frame that argument.  Towards the end of the day, I typed out a paragraph that I think will help me not only to structure a chapter, but also the overall argument of my dissertation. 

Bottom line, I know that I put unrealistic expectations on myself.  I think self-reflection is important.  Yes, we need to set interim deadlines.  Yes, we need to tune out distractions.  However, we are also human beings.  We have lives and various responsibilities, especially those of us who are considered "non-traditional" students.  And, we can't ignore self-care if we're also trying to manage anxiety or other issues amongst all of these seemingly often competing priorities.

And now...I set out to try to make some progress today! :)

Depression, dissertation, and the realities of life

I'm not stranger to depression and anxiety.  I've dealt with both or one of these at different points in my life.  It's sad that when one googles, "depression" and "dissertation", so many articles come up.  Some people have difficulty working on their dissertation because of depression; sometimes, the realities of the dissertation itself can catapult someone into depression if they are not already experiencing it.

Lately, I find myself saying "I feel depressed."  The reality is that I am not really depressed in the full, clinical sense of the word.  I would definitely know if that was the case.  No doubt, many things in life lately are depressing.  Maybe the more accurate way to describe my emotional state lately is "melancholic."  I don't know.

On a macro scale, of course, many horrible things are going on in the world.  This week alone has seen new horrors that are a little bit closer to home.  However, through my own research, I'm often faced with stories of violence that don't necessarily reach mainstream media outlets.  I'm constantly aware of the terror that still goes on in parts of the world such as the Middle East, South Asia, and sub-Saharan Africa, even when it seems like the world has forgotten.

On a personal front, it has been a very difficult week.  I don't like to get too personal or revealing on this blog, but a close family member is terminally ill; two close family members (including this person) were in a car accident and we had to cancel a very important family gathering that might have been the last time we could see the ill family member.  Today is also my grandfather's death anniversary.  This might seem silly in light of what I just said, but I'm also feeling emotional because it's my kids' last full week of school.  I have that, "where has the time gone" kind of feeling.  My son's school is also having a fun event today, and I haven't been able to volunteer for any of these events because of all my competing commitments.  I wish that I could have been more involved in these school events, but I also recognize that I had an insane schedule this semester.  So needless to say, I'm trying to pull myself out of a funk to focus on my work, but I'm already not being too successful this week (yesterday, I barely got in 1 hour of transcribing when I really should have been writing).

Also, yet again, I'm not only feeling imposter syndrome, but I'm feeling a sense of regret about a number of things regarding my academic work.  If I only had spent  more time on my dissertation research instead of another project; if I only had channeled my energy into a potential publication, then I too could have won an award or some kind of fellowship and I could have been done by now; if this, if that.  Of course, it's self-destructive to dwell on the past.  Yes, maybe I could have done those things, but I have to ask myself--- if I had, how much more time might I have missed of  my children's young lives?  Would that fellowship have been better for me than gaining more teaching experience?  Would it have been more fulfilling to receive an award than to receive heartfelt expressions of thanks from graduating seniors who told me that I helped them to press on towards graduation and not give up?  It's definitely a mixed bag.

As I self-reflect, I wonder if some of the academic-related disappointments I feel are mostly related to looking at what others have done (who of course have different life situations than me), rather than just "keeping my eyes on the prize [a.k.a. a finished dissertation]" so to speak.  Also, regarding the other feelings of sadness, yes, it is all normal.  We aren't robots who can just keep ignoring all that is going on in our families and personal lives to the detriment of our overall well-being.  So, I can't keep making excuses for myself, but like a friend recently told me, sometimes we need to take some time for ourselves to de-stress.  Yes, maybe I have done that here and there in the last few weeks.  Yes, I need to still be disciplined and be on track with my work.  But, sometimes we have to figure out that it isn't necessarily just the work that is making us frustrated, anxious, or sad.  We need to address our emotions and spend the time doing things that will help us to do this-- writing and sending a card; calling a family member we haven't spoken to in a while; talking about it.  I know that I need to do some of these things this week myself.

A 30 day challenge?

Well, here I am, 8 days after my last post.  How much have I really accomplished in the last week?  Well, I have about 5 pages of different sections of a chapter draft; I've been coding interviews and going through articles for a content analysis.  That might sound good, but honestly, I could have had more to show.  I keep googling articles about how to balance a full time job (although currently, there is a lull in my job as I mentioned in the last post), parenting, and getting a dissertation finished.  I've read some encouraging advice, such as write for 2 hours per day or set a goal of 2 pages per day.  I've met up with two comrades in the journey in the past week, which although it took time away from writing and researching, was invaluable for my morale.  I'm just tired of feeling isolated and that this task is impossible.

Recently, a friend invited me to a group on Facebook about walking for 45 minutes per day for 30 days (or maybe it was 15 days?).  I really wanted to join in, but I kept making excuses.  I think that I really need to commit to daily exercise to keep my energy up and my mind moving.  However, in lieu of this, I was thinking of setting my own 30 day challenge.  Of course I'm hesitant, because I don't want to fail.  I thought of informally starting last week, and I kind of did, but then I said "forget it" to myself.  For a few evenings, I binged watched a show on Amazon Prime and  just kept saying that I was too tired (even if I am, still...).   I was thinking, that since I'll need to be even more purposeful and creative in carving out times for diss work in the fall, I should say that I'll work for at least one 30 minute slot on my dissertation in the evenings (after the kids go to bed).  In addition to this, I need to find 2 hours during the day to get work done. I know that this might have to be adjusted once classes start since I'm not 100% sure of my schedule.  However, I can surely do that and more during most weeks this summer.  I was also thinking of this:  30 minutes of coding/reviewing transcripts/notes PLUS 30 minutes of writing every evening.  Of course, getting into the habit is half the battle, as is with sticking to an exercise plan.  In lieu of this, I recall some great advice I received from Cloud Nine, author of the "I hate my PhD" blog.  Work on your dissertation for 3 hours per day.  You don't always have to feel like you have to work on it for 7 hours straight.  Sometimes it's better to set a more realistic goal at first.

Now I'm just thinking, when should I start this challenge?  Should I include weekends (which has its own challenges with a husband and 2 kids), or just stick to the 5-day work week?  I'm also aware that a holiday weekend is coming up. Maybe I can try this out for 15 days....

You have to write...something!

Again it's been half a year since I've posted here.  I don't know how many people have actually read this blog out there in the Internet universe, but wow, a lot has happened in this past six months.  Unfortunately, not as much has happened in the way of progress on my dissertation.  I guess teaching full time this past semester has much to do with that.  Yes, there is much to be said for a little bit more financial security, but I'd be lying if I said that I am satisfied with the way the dissertation has been hanging over my head.  I've watched other dissertating colleagues finally cross their finish lines, and I'm exceedingly happy for them, knowing all that they had to go through to finish.  I've watched some of my undergraduate students cross their finish lines, and many of them have encouraged me to keep pressing on towards my own.  At this point, I feel burnt out and somewhat unmotivated, but yes, I want to finish.  I also feel a responsibility to my research participants to finish.  But, getting momentum in the last week since the semester has really finished (not to mention, I'm still working with a couple of students on things) has been tough.

Also in the past month, I've been encouraged by my adviser to just start writing.  Even though you might not even be CLOSE to (even 1/4 of the way) finished with coding and analysis, said my adviser, just start writing.  When I've reflected on this (quite often in the last week-- maybe I've done too much reflecting and not enough writing, haha), I'm reminded of a phrase that another dissertating comrade used to describe part of her writing process-- word vomit.  Of course, this sticks out in my mind because it conjures up some rather unpleasant images, but paradoxically, the thought of just spilling out a bunch of ideas on a page-- no matter how unconnected they seem-- makes me feel better about the process.  I don't have to write my dissertation in a linear manner, nor does my first, second, or even third fourth fifth.... draft have to be pristine.  Nevertheless, I feel like my mind is going in circles.  I have a couple of weeks to try to get something coherent together before my next check-in with my adviser.  I think I can do it, but I feel like I'm drowning in all the data that has yet to be coded (which is really most of it), and I keep changing my mind about which chapter I want to draft first.  I have a handful of documents saved with sundry paragraphs that could potential be associated with different chapters or sections of the same chapter.  I keep reading that this is better than writing nothing, but honestly, some days I want to throw in the towel when it is 3:30 p.m. and I've made zero substantial progress.

Maybe I'm being hard on myself.  After all, I spent a large majority of the last semester working 6 day weeks, albeit that was largely on grading gazillions of papers and teaching.  Last week was my first real week away from that, although I still have some stuff to do in the next few weeks related to that sphere.  I got distracted by the fact that my house is a disaster; kids didn't have enough clothes for the summer weather; I don't have enough clothes (and still don't, since I spent my time and money getting the kids stuff); figuring out summer plans for the kids; visiting with family and friends over the holiday weekend; going back and forth with students about various unresolved issues; etc, etc.  Yes, maybe that's true, but I can't keep making excuses.  I just need to keep coding, but sometimes, even though I find the transcriptions interesting and I am excited by the themes and theoretical implications arising out of the data, I get easily distracted.  Then, in the process of one of these numerous times of distractions (if that even makes grammatical sense), I come across articles stating that blogging is a good way to exercise those writing muscles.  So here I am, just writing, something.

Dissertation update: Ups and downs; ups and downs

I feel like a broken record since I start almost every post saying, "It's been a long time since I've posted."  Yes, that's true, but I've been meaning and wanting to post more often.  I don't want to always publish "venting" type posts, although I have much even besides academia to vent about. 

This semester, like pretty much any semester, has been a series of ups and downs.  A huge "up" is that I am nearing the end of my "data collection" phase.  I am about 98% sure that I will have all of my interviews done by December.  As I write this, I should be transcribing (unfortunately, I have procrastinated waaaaayyyy too much with that), but I have increased confidence that maybe even all of that will be done by December (just, maybe, I hope).  In the midst of this I've experienced many emotional "downs"-- just wishing that it was all done; feeling overwhelmed by all the tasks yet to come and literature yet to be read; having decreased confidence in the broader arena of academia; worrying about finances and employment for the next semester; sometimes wishing I just had a "regular" job; thinking that all of this is pointless since I'm probably just going to end up adjuncting long term; wishing that I had the confidence, time and/or eligibility to apply for fancy fellowships; feeling like an imposter/ "less than" in comparison to other people in my program or other programs.  I guess all of this is normal.  I've just started realizing that I have to set daily goals and take things one day at a time instead of wallowing in all of these thoughts.  I haven't been too successful yet, but I'm getting there.

Academic struggles in the summer...

It's been yet again a long time since I posted.  A few of my in-laws were visiting for all of July; we spent a lot of time in the car going here, there, and everywhere.  Kids didn't go to day care.  We had a lot of fun; of course, it wasn't always easy having a full house, but great memories were made.   Now, here I am, two weeks after everyone has left, and I'm struggling.  I thought that I would be so motivated to get back in the swing of things last week.  Did that happen? Nope.  I've also been somewhat paralyzed by frustrations I've had with my dissertation.  I still need to get a few more interviews done, and no one is responding.  I'm not too surprised, after all, it's summer, and I know many of these people travel quite a bit anyways.  However, I've made embarrassingly little progress with transcribing, and very little progress with other aspects of the work.  I've also been distracted by other projects I took on for the summer--one for pay, although I haven't been able to do many hours for that, either, and one which was intended to help me produce a publishable paper.  But alas, these things have distracted me from my dissertation.  

I'm also struggling on this fine Monday with other things.  I feel a bit down because I miss my kids.  Not the traditional mom guilt, but I would rather be spending time with them. In summers past, they would just go to day care maybe 2 days per week, and I would plan fun activities for them the remaining days.  Although they didn't go to day care all of July, they've been going full time since everyone left.  I guess part of the issue is that we barely have the money to send them this month, and I feel partly guilty that I'm not making as much progress as I had hoped.  Nevertheless, I'm nostalgic about those 2 past summers, and the summer is almost over.  

I reckon that I'm not the only one out there who feels this way.  All this is compounded by the sinking feeling that I need to get all this stuff done so that I can finish this PhD, but I'm not too excited about what might lie ahead.  Ever have thoughts about jumping ship?  I would have to bet that I'm not the only one out there feeling this way.  Family members keep encouraging me to press on and I try to keep a positive outlook, but it's not always easy.

I don't know if anyone reads this, and I don't intend to be discouraging.  I guess this blog is also an outlet for me to be real, because so many people are afraid to be honest with themselves and others in the world of academe.  Someone asked me recently what my plan was to get back on track and finish.  I said that I was just taking things one day at a time, trying to do various tasks here and there, but I'd rather be at the playground or the museum with my kids (I didn't say that last part :)).  I guess I need to take things one day at a time, and also make the most out of the time that is left of the summer.  Because here in the North, as August becomes September, we know that we are in for those 2 nasty four letter words soon-- COLD and SNOW!