Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Depression, dissertation, and the realities of life

I'm not stranger to depression and anxiety.  I've dealt with both or one of these at different points in my life.  It's sad that when one googles, "depression" and "dissertation", so many articles come up.  Some people have difficulty working on their dissertation because of depression; sometimes, the realities of the dissertation itself can catapult someone into depression if they are not already experiencing it.

Lately, I find myself saying "I feel depressed."  The reality is that I am not really depressed in the full, clinical sense of the word.  I would definitely know if that was the case.  No doubt, many things in life lately are depressing.  Maybe the more accurate way to describe my emotional state lately is "melancholic."  I don't know.

On a macro scale, of course, many horrible things are going on in the world.  This week alone has seen new horrors that are a little bit closer to home.  However, through my own research, I'm often faced with stories of violence that don't necessarily reach mainstream media outlets.  I'm constantly aware of the terror that still goes on in parts of the world such as the Middle East, South Asia, and sub-Saharan Africa, even when it seems like the world has forgotten.

On a personal front, it has been a very difficult week.  I don't like to get too personal or revealing on this blog, but a close family member is terminally ill; two close family members (including this person) were in a car accident and we had to cancel a very important family gathering that might have been the last time we could see the ill family member.  Today is also my grandfather's death anniversary.  This might seem silly in light of what I just said, but I'm also feeling emotional because it's my kids' last full week of school.  I have that, "where has the time gone" kind of feeling.  My son's school is also having a fun event today, and I haven't been able to volunteer for any of these events because of all my competing commitments.  I wish that I could have been more involved in these school events, but I also recognize that I had an insane schedule this semester.  So needless to say, I'm trying to pull myself out of a funk to focus on my work, but I'm already not being too successful this week (yesterday, I barely got in 1 hour of transcribing when I really should have been writing).

Also, yet again, I'm not only feeling imposter syndrome, but I'm feeling a sense of regret about a number of things regarding my academic work.  If I only had spent  more time on my dissertation research instead of another project; if I only had channeled my energy into a potential publication, then I too could have won an award or some kind of fellowship and I could have been done by now; if this, if that.  Of course, it's self-destructive to dwell on the past.  Yes, maybe I could have done those things, but I have to ask myself--- if I had, how much more time might I have missed of  my children's young lives?  Would that fellowship have been better for me than gaining more teaching experience?  Would it have been more fulfilling to receive an award than to receive heartfelt expressions of thanks from graduating seniors who told me that I helped them to press on towards graduation and not give up?  It's definitely a mixed bag.

As I self-reflect, I wonder if some of the academic-related disappointments I feel are mostly related to looking at what others have done (who of course have different life situations than me), rather than just "keeping my eyes on the prize [a.k.a. a finished dissertation]" so to speak.  Also, regarding the other feelings of sadness, yes, it is all normal.  We aren't robots who can just keep ignoring all that is going on in our families and personal lives to the detriment of our overall well-being.  So, I can't keep making excuses for myself, but like a friend recently told me, sometimes we need to take some time for ourselves to de-stress.  Yes, maybe I have done that here and there in the last few weeks.  Yes, I need to still be disciplined and be on track with my work.  But, sometimes we have to figure out that it isn't necessarily just the work that is making us frustrated, anxious, or sad.  We need to address our emotions and spend the time doing things that will help us to do this-- writing and sending a card; calling a family member we haven't spoken to in a while; talking about it.  I know that I need to do some of these things this week myself.

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