I wrote the following post last Saturday night. FWIW, after I drafted this post, I cranked out a page of my diss. At 11 p.m. I've decided that I really have to stop limiting myself to the 9-5 when my kids are in school/after school. Of course, it doesn't help when one child or another won't go to bed at 8:30 and is sitting downstairs with me at 10 p.m., but that's an issue for another day and another blog. Also, maybe writing for this blog more often would be more helpful?!? In addition, I realized that I haven't included any writing updates in the last few posts. I've pretty much drafted 2 full substantive chapters, and I've started on my third. Not too bad, I guess, but I really need to crank it out over this holiday break. If I don't, I don't think I'll be able to pull off an April defense, considering my teaching load and responsibilities for the Spring. Let's see.
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I sat there with my kids today watching a good Ole Disney movie. It's been a weird week in a lot of ways. Finals week; I got everything graded and just need to finalize and submit grades. My son had a surgical procedure on Thursday. I did very, very little dissertation work this week. Today, we didn't do much like I said, but sometimes I wish I could stop time. But, time just keeps going on. I wish I could stop time and enjoy some of these moments, but at the same time, I wish I could speed through time and everything would get done in the process. I feel constantly uneasy when I can't work on my dissertation for various reasons. I'm annoyed when I can't get in the zone, but then again, my life is bigger than just my dissertation.
I've decided I'm going to be fine if I can't defend in April. I am still aiming for it, though. I would be disappointed to not be at the hooding ceremony with many people I know, many people with whom I struggled these last 8 years. There were many times over these last 8 years when I felt the same about the clock-- I wish it could have stopped at some places, and I wish it could have moved faster in others. But of course, the university never stopped my clock when I had 2 kids, and now the college where I teach is not stopping my tenure clock for me to get my dissertation done. Everything is just moving so fast.
I was telling a colleague yesterday about my plan to crank out the dissy work over the break (which is very, very short for me). She wisely told me to take a few days off. I think I need it mentally and emotionally, but it's a double edged sword as I said earlier. I look at my calendar and think of days when I will have a meeting here or an appointment there; I'll have to finalize a few more grades here; and I worry about my April goal slipping quickly away. I feel isolated; I have no time to be collegial and read drafts of fellow students, but I don't know how to tell them no since I would really love any support right now. Other fellow dissertators and recent PhDs have told me that I'm in a good place, but I just don't feel it. I just don't see it; the light at the end of the tunnel is dimmed by cloudy skies.
But then I keep telling myself, I'll do it. But, I have to be realistic with my other responsibilities. I know I am just not the type of person who can get up at 5 a.m. and crank out 1500 words. I never was, so I need to stop lying to myself. And, I want to enjoy the holidays. I want to stop the clock when my daughter is in the school nativity. I want to stop the clock on Christmas morning. I'm excited after all the gifts I bought the kids, and I can't wait, yet I can. Dang this clock.
