Tuesday, May 31, 2016

You have to write...something!

Again it's been half a year since I've posted here.  I don't know how many people have actually read this blog out there in the Internet universe, but wow, a lot has happened in this past six months.  Unfortunately, not as much has happened in the way of progress on my dissertation.  I guess teaching full time this past semester has much to do with that.  Yes, there is much to be said for a little bit more financial security, but I'd be lying if I said that I am satisfied with the way the dissertation has been hanging over my head.  I've watched other dissertating colleagues finally cross their finish lines, and I'm exceedingly happy for them, knowing all that they had to go through to finish.  I've watched some of my undergraduate students cross their finish lines, and many of them have encouraged me to keep pressing on towards my own.  At this point, I feel burnt out and somewhat unmotivated, but yes, I want to finish.  I also feel a responsibility to my research participants to finish.  But, getting momentum in the last week since the semester has really finished (not to mention, I'm still working with a couple of students on things) has been tough.

Also in the past month, I've been encouraged by my adviser to just start writing.  Even though you might not even be CLOSE to (even 1/4 of the way) finished with coding and analysis, said my adviser, just start writing.  When I've reflected on this (quite often in the last week-- maybe I've done too much reflecting and not enough writing, haha), I'm reminded of a phrase that another dissertating comrade used to describe part of her writing process-- word vomit.  Of course, this sticks out in my mind because it conjures up some rather unpleasant images, but paradoxically, the thought of just spilling out a bunch of ideas on a page-- no matter how unconnected they seem-- makes me feel better about the process.  I don't have to write my dissertation in a linear manner, nor does my first, second, or even third fourth fifth.... draft have to be pristine.  Nevertheless, I feel like my mind is going in circles.  I have a couple of weeks to try to get something coherent together before my next check-in with my adviser.  I think I can do it, but I feel like I'm drowning in all the data that has yet to be coded (which is really most of it), and I keep changing my mind about which chapter I want to draft first.  I have a handful of documents saved with sundry paragraphs that could potential be associated with different chapters or sections of the same chapter.  I keep reading that this is better than writing nothing, but honestly, some days I want to throw in the towel when it is 3:30 p.m. and I've made zero substantial progress.

Maybe I'm being hard on myself.  After all, I spent a large majority of the last semester working 6 day weeks, albeit that was largely on grading gazillions of papers and teaching.  Last week was my first real week away from that, although I still have some stuff to do in the next few weeks related to that sphere.  I got distracted by the fact that my house is a disaster; kids didn't have enough clothes for the summer weather; I don't have enough clothes (and still don't, since I spent my time and money getting the kids stuff); figuring out summer plans for the kids; visiting with family and friends over the holiday weekend; going back and forth with students about various unresolved issues; etc, etc.  Yes, maybe that's true, but I can't keep making excuses.  I just need to keep coding, but sometimes, even though I find the transcriptions interesting and I am excited by the themes and theoretical implications arising out of the data, I get easily distracted.  Then, in the process of one of these numerous times of distractions (if that even makes grammatical sense), I come across articles stating that blogging is a good way to exercise those writing muscles.  So here I am, just writing, something.