That moment when...

That moment when you feel blanketed by imposter syndrome as you read about another Ph.D. candidate you know who published yet another paper; you know that you have at least two papers you could revise and submit to journals, but you can never seem to find the time for various and often obvious reasons...

That moment when you decide to look up job openings; you find a listing for a position at a nearby school.  They are looking for someone who specializes in the areas that YOU actually specialize in (both in terms of experience with classes you've taught, and the subfields integrated within your dissertation).  Big downer-- you would have to have Ph.D. in hand by Fall 2015.  Oh well.

That moment when you have a mixture of emotions about all these things, because you have an incomplete paper draft hanging over your head; a dozen papers and presentations that need to be graded before Christmas; you just want to take a break and enjoy your family.  Oh wait, you actually DID end up taking the last couple of days to run a ton of errands, but you still need to clean the insane mess of your house before family comes over next week.

That moment when you finally just say--  I need to take it one day at a time, and just try to set these goals-- for after the first of the year.  I'm just going to do what needs to be done and enjoy this Christmas and New Year!  I'm going to enjoy making new memories with my family, because that is important.

Reflections on the balancing act this past semester

Well, the semester isn't quite over yet, and it won't be fully over until I submit grades for my weekend class sometime in the first week of January.  Nevertheless, some reflections on the balancing act that I had to manage over the past 3 months or so:

--Teaching an 8 a.m. class definitely has its own set of challenges.

-- I enjoyed teaching on Saturday much more than I thought I would; I enjoy teaching "non-traditional" students; in some ways, more so than teaching "traditional" students.  However, I missed having full weekends throughout this semester.  I feel like I'm always working or my mind is always going, and I've often had a difficult time being intentional when I am with my kids.  Also, I haven't  liked the fact that my husband will often just sit the kids in front of the TV for the majority of the time that I am gone on Saturdays.  I know that he's had his own kind of balancing act with teaching, yard work, etc., but I often wish that he would be more intentional of taking the kids out or doing something active, even if it was just for 1 or 2 Saturdays.  I have sometimes thought, what would he have thought if I had barely taken the kids out all summer?  Anyways...

-- I have realized that for the past few semesters, I have had a teaching load that is the equivalent of a full time load at many universities.  Of course, as an adjunct, I don't get the same compensation as a full time instructor.  In addition to this full time load, I have had to balance  work on my dissertation and a separate research project, for which I am now drafting an article with my adviser.  I know that the latter two have suffered at the expense of my teaching load.  Not to mention, I ended up getting very sick within the last month, and that further slowed me down.  Clearly, my weakened immune system is probably the result of the intersection of all these factors.

-- As I've mentioned before, I have been continually frustrated by this imbalance.  I have made some progress on my dissertation, but I can't help but wonder how much more I would have done if I had a lesser teaching load, or if I could get some fancy funding to just focus on my research.  I haven't yet been able to find the latter.  Also, I have to admit that sometimes I have been jealous of those who are able to make more progress for any number of factors:  the ability to work on campus and get tuition remission; lower child care expenses due to the proximity of family; etc. 

-- Overall, I am grateful for the opportunities that I have had this semester, because I have learned more about myself and I have gained new skills.  I don't know if we would have been able to swing it financially if I didn't acquire those classes.  Nevertheless, regardless of what happens next semester, I need to find a way to make it work so that I can focus on my dissertation.

-- Despite all this, I still sometimes wonder if this is all worth it.  I do have a case of imposter syndrome, and I scoff at those who feel they aren't good enough when they either done or mostly done with their dissertation and they have a decent list of publications to go along with it.  Then, I have to remember that I can't always compare myself with others, even those who have kids.  I just have to take things one day at a time, and try to nip the procrastination bug in the bud (not so easy today on Cyber Monday! Not to mention...writing this is a bit of an outgrowth of procrastination.)

To be continued (hopefully the next few weeks won't be too bad; I'll get my paper draft done; I'll get in touch with a couple more people for interviews; I'll be able to enjoy the many Christmas festivities ahead.)...