The solitude of being a grad student parent

I had started to write a similar post related to this topic earlier this week, but I lost some steam in the end.  In all honesty, I have had very little motivation this week and have barely made any progress on my academic work.  Undoubtedly, part of the reason is that my daughter developed an ear infection and my son flipped out that he didn't want to go to daycare on Thursday (one of the days that both of them go); he said that his throat was hurting again but according to the doctor he was fine.  Thus, both of them were home yesterday, and since DD woke up 1.5 hours earlier than usual this morning, I haven't had much mental capacity to do much work during her nap.  Anyways....I went ahead and purchased an electronic version of The Now Habit by Neil Fiore, which was recommended by a very inspirational, fellow grad student mom that I "met" on another site (if you're reading this, you know who you are!! :)).  I know that some of my deficiencies in motivation are due to that dirty "P" word-- procrastination-- and I am looking forward to applying some of Dr. Fiore's insights.  I also already know that some of the procrastination is at least partially fed by a lingering sense of melancholy.  Part of that, most definitely, can be attributed to the feelings of isolation I have been having.  I guess it's not just the fact that I live a 2 hour drive from campus and I barely have to go in anymore.  Yes, even commiserating with fellow grad students and other grad student moms in person on a regular basis was therapeutic.  However, the plain fact that making friends at this age (oh my, does that sound terrible!) can be quite difficult, especially in this part of the country, is a huge part of the problem.

I mentioned in another post that I enjoy taking the kids to the playground, not just because it is good for them to get fresh air and be around other kids, but also because it gives me a chance to (at least try to) get some adult interaction.  I'm reminded of one time when a mom gave me her phone number and took mine down...her kids were the same ages as mine.  So  many times, I should have gone ahead and called her, but I admit I was feeling a bit shy (how silly).  Come to find out, her daughter was also attending the same preschool as my son, except she was going on different days.  The same mom sent out an e-mail once to all the parents; I sent her a personal e-mail in return basically recollecting how we met and stating that it would be great to get together sometime.  However, she never responded.  Oh well I thought.  Maybe she is too busy as well; maybe she was feeling silly about it, who knows.  Since then, I've chatted with several other moms at the same playground.  Just a couple months ago, I met another mom who had kids the same exact ages as mine.  She was very down to earth, and I felt that we really clicked.  I wanted to offer her my phone number, but I hesitated.  When she left, she said that it was nice talking to me, and she would probably see me again at the playground.  I've definitely heard that before.  But...I am also at fault if I don't reach out, right??? I would love to get involved in some organizes play groups, or some other kind of parents' group, but they often meet at odd times that I cannot attend.  And part of it, of course, is just the culture in this part of the country.  We are not controlled by the culture, but it can be hard to break.  People around here tend to be more reserved, "private", etc.  One or the other person doesn't feel comfortable to reach out, or they are too busy, or...whatever the case  may be.  It is such a pet peeve of mine.  And then...I hate having to explain to people what I do.  "I teach part time, but I'm working towards my Ph.D.; one child goes to daycare part time", blah blah blah.  Oftentimes, I feel like a full time stay-at-home mom (although I hate the "mommy wars" and the distinctions between "stay-at-home" moms and "working moms"), but I am also a work-at-home and working-out-of-the-home mom at times who is trying to juggle all of these different responsibilities and expectations.  As a result, I often wonder if I can relate to moms who "stay at home" and/or those who work full time outside the home.  I guess that really doesn't matter, but the point is, I miss having friends!!! Yes, I keep in touch with friends who live out of state and hours away via Facebook; we recently had friends come over for a cookout, but we don't get to see them too often because they each live at least a 1-2 hours drive away.  However, I must admit that I get a little jealous of people who can meet up with friends in person on a regular basis, and/or who have other friends and co-workers they can talk with in person on a regular basis.  The key phrase here is "in person".  Although my job before going back to school 5 years ago was mega stressful, I was at least encouraged by chats with my co-workers who were also under a great deal of stress.  When you're working all the time at home, feelings of isolation and lack of motivation can often be compounded.

Again, this wasn't a very positive post, but I'm sure that many parents and grad students can relate-- if not at this point in their lives, they might have experienced this at some point, even for a short period of time.  I guess that in the midst of the dreary deluge going on outside and my lack of progress once again this week, I've been reflecting on all of these issues.  Of course, in comparison to the disasters many in this country alone have faced in the past couple weeks, these issues are a pin drop in the bucket.  However, they are central to the struggles that people of all walks of life face when it comes to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Random thoughts this week

I've still been a bit slow to get back into the academic swing of things, but I've had some (somewhat) random thoughts/ramblings/vents that I wanted to articulate a bit more...

Dear day care providers, I like both of you very much as people. However, when I provide 3 bibs for DD for each day that she attends, why can't you use those bibs instead of allowing her to nearly spoil every single outfit? I put the bibs in the same place every time, and I know that you have used them in the past.

I've come to the realization that if I just accept the fact that there are certain days/times that I will not be able to do academic work, my stress and frustration level decreases significantly.  Yes, my daughter usually takes a decent afternoon nap, but there are times that I just cannot do work during that time for one reason or another.  Sometimes it is a household task that just has to get done while neither child is in my way.  Other times, I just need time to think (well, that is part of work, but sometimes we don't always see it that way-- one of those paradoxes of life).  Then, there are times that I am just too dang tired.

I know that if I had a "normal" job, certain close family members wouldn't call me so much during the day; other close family members wouldn't ask me to run errands on the 2 days per week that both children are in day care.  Truly, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, sometimes it is easier to just run those errands by myself.  However, there are days that even a small errand that only takes half an hour can really throw me off.

Sometimes, I feel like my e-mails to people in my department go into a black hole.  Granted, the semester ended a month ago and I know people are busy with other things.  I wish that it was easier for me to just show up on campus and try to meet with people in person, but I'm not going to drive nearly 2 hours and pay to park to find out no one is there on that day.  At times, I've had luck with trying to get in contact with people the "old fashioned" way...via office phone.  However, this isn't always successful.

Although media analysis is a big part of my research, I often get extremely frustrated with the media in general.  I could write a mega post about this.  For now, I will just say that the media really does not have to emphasize certain things, but I know that they are trying to one up the next media organization.  For instance, the meat cleaver attack in London.  Was it necessary to emphasize the video that the attacker made???!?!?!   I have so much more to say connected to this, but I will leave it at that.  Not to mention, how certain media figures often perpetuate xenophobia, racism, sexism, etc.

Not to be a debbie downer, but I've been feeling quite isolated and just "down" in general lately.  Maybe it's just this transition phase between completing my comps and trying to REALLY get started on my proposal, not to mention other projects that I have to work on in the next couple of months.  Although I might have a little less time to work, I'm looking forward to when my son is done with preschool in a couple weeks and I can take both kids to the playground or other places on those days.  Every time I do that, I get to at least have an informal chit-chat with another mom/grandparent at the playground and I don't feel so isolated.  I actually miss the coursework phase for that...being able to interact more with other people in the department; commiserate with other grad student moms who are juggling similar responsibilities.  Hey, I might actually go ahead and buy that children's museum membership.  I might actually try to find other groups/activities to get me out of the house with the kids and, maybe?!?!? just maybe by myself, too??? What about actually putting a priority on having a date night more than once every six months?? I think that as a grad student parent, these things might actually help us to feel more "human" and get us out of a rut in general.

I've come to the realization that I am not as self-motivated as I would like to be, and I really need to do something to change that.  I haven't come up with a fantastic solution to that one....yet....

In reflecting on all that has happened in Oklahoma and other midwestern states with the tornadoes, I've been reminded that we often forget the fact that millions of other people around the world are still recovering from natural disasters that happened YEARS ago.  I've seen this in my own geographical area.  Also, recovery does not just have to do with the built environment.  There are mental, emotional, biophysical, and spiritual dimensions.  We need to keep this in mind when making decisions about how to enact our own personal philanthropic intensions.

There are many other things I could go on about...the situation in Syria, the persecution of minorities in many countries, oh, those are big ones, but I will stop there for now.

Transition phase

A lot has been going on since I last wrote here.  Alas, I am a Ph.D. candidate!! Thank God, I was able to finish my written comp and successfully defend it two weeks later.  A week after that, all 4 of us left on a trip (quite far away, to a nice exotic place, I might add) since my husband had a conference and we thought it would be a good opportunity to see the place.  Overall, the trip was good.  I did get terribly sick with food poisoning on the second to last day; the days my husband was in the conference were so-so since at least half of the time I couldn't do too much with the kids, but I did manage to venture out a little bit.  Otherwise, it was great to be able to see what we could and enjoy the warm weather/whatever we could get of the beach.

We just got back a few days ago, and honestly, along with the jet lag, I feel like my mind is going in circles.  I had a meeting this morning with the head of the department where I serve as an adjunct instructor.  I feel a little better after that knowing that I will definitely be teaching 2 if not 3 classes (dependent on enrollment) in the fall-- particularly as all this relates to the financial front.  However, the issue of seriously beginning my dissertation proposal, with the goal of finishing it be the early Fall (per my advisor and comp exam committee) is looming overhead.  To be honest, I am still so tired from traveling and a mega mountain of laundry and a disorganized, crappy dirty house needs immediate attention, so I am not going to pressure myself too much about it at least for a week or so.  However, I do have to start thinking about it very soon.  Should I schedule preliminary interviews...what about additional literature to review....oh, and what about those conference papers that are fairly unrelated to my proposal that I actually have to get done by the end of July if not sooner...yeah...I really need to touch base with a few profs first too...oh, and what about the fact that I have no source of income this summer since I don't have summer funding, and the department couldn't fund my proposal for summer funding even though they wanted to because it is related to my potential dissertation (higher up bureaucracy, ugh), and if I knew that ahead of time I would have written the proposal in relation to my conference papers, but I was advised to write it for my preliminary dissertation research.....and the run on train of thought chugs on.  All in all, I really feel like this is a transition phase.  Imminent dissertation research can be exciting, but is scary at the same time.  There are so many other aspects of it that feed in to these emotions and related states of mind/being.  I could go on, but now I think I need to eat lunch and tackle this pile of laundry, even though I feel in a weird state of academic and professional limbo. 

Taking-a-day-off guilt

Ah yes, another post about guilt!  But....why should I even feel guilty??? I e-mailed my completed comprehensive exam to my committee on Sunday night.  Of course, I was at least partially relieved; I will be even more relieved when I receive an e-mail saying that I can proceed to the oral defense on April 18th as scheduled.  I've been insanely working on this thing for the past week (not to mention the months of preparation beforehand-- reading, note taking, etc).  My son ended up getting a weird stomach virus Friday night.  He was ok for the most part on Saturday- husband took him to the doctor just to make sure.  Then on Sunday evening, he got sick again.  I felt terrible that he was sick.  Also, I myself started to feel sick on Thursday/Friday and just kept praying that I could make it through.  My husband was also a bit agitated on the weekend.  As I sat in the den editing, typing, reading, and over and over frantically, I had to listen to his constant sighs and agitated tone of voice.  He had never spent probably more than 2 hours alone with both kids before this past weekend (and the times he has spent maybe 1-2 hours alone with them have been extreeemely few and far between-- I know that is sad in its own right and partially my fault for not taking time when I needed it...anyways...).  Granted, DS was sick, but for the large majority of the weekend he wasn't and was even excited to go out with my husband and DD on Saturday and Sunday.  And....the times he did get sick, I was there helping DH with him. I kept DS home from preschool yesterday because he still wasn't himself; thankfully by the end of the day he was feeling much better and was excited to go to the home day care this morning.  DD was just excited in general that her brother was home and was as happy as usual this morning.
All that rambling to say....why on EARTH do I feel guilt for taking today off???? It is a beautiful spring day.  I've been cooped up in this house constantly.  (well, yesterday afternoon we all did go outside and enjoy the fresh air, but still).  I hardly ever get to go anywhere by myself.  Why do I feel so guilty that I'm not diving right back in to working on my conference papers for the summer or doing something else academic related?  Why do I feel guilty that I'm not going to stay in the house all day and do housework?  Honestly, what I am planning to do is go to a children's apparel store and check out a sale since DD and DS need a couple of things-- so I'm not even entirely taking a break for myself, but just getting out of the house and being able to go to a store alone is a break in and of itself.  I also need a haircut; I may or may not do that today but the bottom line is, I just need to get out of the vicinity of the house.  I very rarely take breaks like this, so why (I say again) do I feel guilt???? I guess as academic moms we might feel like this at times and like me, can't even figure out why.  Oh well, I'm going to make myself get over it and get out of this house!!!!

And so it shall begin....

And I wish it was an April fool's joke that this comp was starting today!!! Will most likely get the questions within the next 90 minutes.  Trying to have breakfast and gear myself up (or better yet, wake myself up more) after coaxing teething DD to drink as much milk as possible and after DH had to do the same to get DS to have even a piece of toast this morning (I think he was tired since we've been having issues with him going to sleep at night...not to mention be also has a cold) before they had to leave for day care/preschool.  DD was sick last week and I'm thankful that she is at least feeling better, but I've been concerned about DS that this cold doesn't progress into something else.  Yikes!  Just said a prayer this morning for everything; grateful that I did take 3 days off over this Easter weekend to give my brain a rest and to reflect on the meaning of Easter, attend church, go outside with the kids, etc.  I guess right now I feel all over the place, but trying to get my mind back in gear before the elusive questions arrive.  Hating the anticipation and the anxiety that goes with it, though.

Saturation point

People might talk about reaching the point of "saturation" whilst collecting data.  Right now, I am at the point of saturation in preparing for my comp exam!  I bet there are other people out there who know what I mean.  Have you ever been studying for an (more traditional, maybe multiple choice/short answer/essay) exam and you just can't study anymore, even if you feel like you should read something else, try to memorize something else, etc?  That is me right now.  I feel like I have a good handle on my reading list and some arguments that I am developing with respect to the literature.  However, there were a few readings that I either didn't look at or didn't read closely (that happened to me with my last comp-- again, my list was too long then and is now).  I'm just at the point where I can't do any more!  I spoke with one of my exam committee members today.  She thinks I will do fine; none of the questions will be a surprise; I won't be citing everything on my long list.  Still.  Maybe it will do my brain good to take (even at least a semi) break over this holiday weekend.  Can't wait for 10 a.m., April 9th when this thing will be done!!!

Benefits of commiseration

Truly, I shouldn't be writing this post right now-- I should be compiling my notes in preparation for my 2nd (and LAST) comprehensive exam which begins on April 1st (oh how I wish we only had to do ONE comp exam-- I would have achieved candidacy well over a year ago).  However, I guess I just wanted to reflect on this, partially as self-therapy since I am a ball of nerves this week.

I went to a regional conference this weekend which was close to my campus, about a 1.5 hr drive from where I live.  Long story short, due to something I wanted to take my son to on Sat. morning and just the fact that we left a lot later than planned, I only made it to one Sat. afternoon session and my early Sunday morning session (in which I did my own presentation).  Nevertheless, this conference was beneficial as I received some good feedback on my presentation; I ran into two professors from my school; I felt great for having some adult interaction (no offense to my husband, but I am sure some of you moms out there who work from home can relate); and, I was able to commiserate with a few students about our common plight in the seemingly never ending process that characterizes PhD acquisition land.  One student was from my program;  I hadn't seen her in a long time and she also has 2 children.  I told her about the stress over my upcoming comp exam, and how (due to that and several other reasons) I often talked about quitting to my husband.  She concurred having similar sentiments but now having come this far, she can't quit and has just been moving ahead in working on her dissertation proposal.  I also spoke with another grad student who presented in my session; we spent about a half an hour talking after the session about issues related to funding, the time it takes to do research for the dissertation, and how we need to get out of our minds that the dissertation does not have to be the best and most awesome project we've ever done.  Rather, we just need to finish.  The latter is an issue I have grappled with for numerous reasons (especially reasons related to the logistics of conducting qualitative research with two small children-- which has led me to modify the direction I am thinking of going with my diss.project).  However, the bottom line is that I felt better having been able to commiserate with fellow grad students.  That is something I miss, since I am not on campus too much anymore.  It is one thing to post a facebook status and to receive comments from fellow grad students, but it is another to vent with other students face-to-face and to have a more free flowing conversation with other people who can relate to you situation in one way or another and who can provide some sort of encouragement.  I've also been grateful for some online communities and other blogs that have filled these gaps of in-person interaction with my cohort-mates and other students in my program.

Honestly, I am still feeling tense about this comp exam.  Even though I have a vague idea of the potential questions, I still don't know what my exam committee is going to ask, hence I go between wanting to frantically compile detailed notes for various references to being unsure if this is a waste of my time because they might not ask anything related to a particular subarea.  Part of me wants to e-mail a bunch of other students but what on earth would I say?  It doesn't make sense.  I might be posting one of those Facebook statuses soon.