Taking-a-day-off guilt

Ah yes, another post about guilt!  But....why should I even feel guilty??? I e-mailed my completed comprehensive exam to my committee on Sunday night.  Of course, I was at least partially relieved; I will be even more relieved when I receive an e-mail saying that I can proceed to the oral defense on April 18th as scheduled.  I've been insanely working on this thing for the past week (not to mention the months of preparation beforehand-- reading, note taking, etc).  My son ended up getting a weird stomach virus Friday night.  He was ok for the most part on Saturday- husband took him to the doctor just to make sure.  Then on Sunday evening, he got sick again.  I felt terrible that he was sick.  Also, I myself started to feel sick on Thursday/Friday and just kept praying that I could make it through.  My husband was also a bit agitated on the weekend.  As I sat in the den editing, typing, reading, and over and over frantically, I had to listen to his constant sighs and agitated tone of voice.  He had never spent probably more than 2 hours alone with both kids before this past weekend (and the times he has spent maybe 1-2 hours alone with them have been extreeemely few and far between-- I know that is sad in its own right and partially my fault for not taking time when I needed it...anyways...).  Granted, DS was sick, but for the large majority of the weekend he wasn't and was even excited to go out with my husband and DD on Saturday and Sunday.  And....the times he did get sick, I was there helping DH with him. I kept DS home from preschool yesterday because he still wasn't himself; thankfully by the end of the day he was feeling much better and was excited to go to the home day care this morning.  DD was just excited in general that her brother was home and was as happy as usual this morning.
All that rambling to say....why on EARTH do I feel guilt for taking today off???? It is a beautiful spring day.  I've been cooped up in this house constantly.  (well, yesterday afternoon we all did go outside and enjoy the fresh air, but still).  I hardly ever get to go anywhere by myself.  Why do I feel so guilty that I'm not diving right back in to working on my conference papers for the summer or doing something else academic related?  Why do I feel guilty that I'm not going to stay in the house all day and do housework?  Honestly, what I am planning to do is go to a children's apparel store and check out a sale since DD and DS need a couple of things-- so I'm not even entirely taking a break for myself, but just getting out of the house and being able to go to a store alone is a break in and of itself.  I also need a haircut; I may or may not do that today but the bottom line is, I just need to get out of the vicinity of the house.  I very rarely take breaks like this, so why (I say again) do I feel guilt???? I guess as academic moms we might feel like this at times and like me, can't even figure out why.  Oh well, I'm going to make myself get over it and get out of this house!!!!

And so it shall begin....

And I wish it was an April fool's joke that this comp was starting today!!! Will most likely get the questions within the next 90 minutes.  Trying to have breakfast and gear myself up (or better yet, wake myself up more) after coaxing teething DD to drink as much milk as possible and after DH had to do the same to get DS to have even a piece of toast this morning (I think he was tired since we've been having issues with him going to sleep at night...not to mention be also has a cold) before they had to leave for day care/preschool.  DD was sick last week and I'm thankful that she is at least feeling better, but I've been concerned about DS that this cold doesn't progress into something else.  Yikes!  Just said a prayer this morning for everything; grateful that I did take 3 days off over this Easter weekend to give my brain a rest and to reflect on the meaning of Easter, attend church, go outside with the kids, etc.  I guess right now I feel all over the place, but trying to get my mind back in gear before the elusive questions arrive.  Hating the anticipation and the anxiety that goes with it, though.

Saturation point

People might talk about reaching the point of "saturation" whilst collecting data.  Right now, I am at the point of saturation in preparing for my comp exam!  I bet there are other people out there who know what I mean.  Have you ever been studying for an (more traditional, maybe multiple choice/short answer/essay) exam and you just can't study anymore, even if you feel like you should read something else, try to memorize something else, etc?  That is me right now.  I feel like I have a good handle on my reading list and some arguments that I am developing with respect to the literature.  However, there were a few readings that I either didn't look at or didn't read closely (that happened to me with my last comp-- again, my list was too long then and is now).  I'm just at the point where I can't do any more!  I spoke with one of my exam committee members today.  She thinks I will do fine; none of the questions will be a surprise; I won't be citing everything on my long list.  Still.  Maybe it will do my brain good to take (even at least a semi) break over this holiday weekend.  Can't wait for 10 a.m., April 9th when this thing will be done!!!

Benefits of commiseration

Truly, I shouldn't be writing this post right now-- I should be compiling my notes in preparation for my 2nd (and LAST) comprehensive exam which begins on April 1st (oh how I wish we only had to do ONE comp exam-- I would have achieved candidacy well over a year ago).  However, I guess I just wanted to reflect on this, partially as self-therapy since I am a ball of nerves this week.

I went to a regional conference this weekend which was close to my campus, about a 1.5 hr drive from where I live.  Long story short, due to something I wanted to take my son to on Sat. morning and just the fact that we left a lot later than planned, I only made it to one Sat. afternoon session and my early Sunday morning session (in which I did my own presentation).  Nevertheless, this conference was beneficial as I received some good feedback on my presentation; I ran into two professors from my school; I felt great for having some adult interaction (no offense to my husband, but I am sure some of you moms out there who work from home can relate); and, I was able to commiserate with a few students about our common plight in the seemingly never ending process that characterizes PhD acquisition land.  One student was from my program;  I hadn't seen her in a long time and she also has 2 children.  I told her about the stress over my upcoming comp exam, and how (due to that and several other reasons) I often talked about quitting to my husband.  She concurred having similar sentiments but now having come this far, she can't quit and has just been moving ahead in working on her dissertation proposal.  I also spoke with another grad student who presented in my session; we spent about a half an hour talking after the session about issues related to funding, the time it takes to do research for the dissertation, and how we need to get out of our minds that the dissertation does not have to be the best and most awesome project we've ever done.  Rather, we just need to finish.  The latter is an issue I have grappled with for numerous reasons (especially reasons related to the logistics of conducting qualitative research with two small children-- which has led me to modify the direction I am thinking of going with my diss.project).  However, the bottom line is that I felt better having been able to commiserate with fellow grad students.  That is something I miss, since I am not on campus too much anymore.  It is one thing to post a facebook status and to receive comments from fellow grad students, but it is another to vent with other students face-to-face and to have a more free flowing conversation with other people who can relate to you situation in one way or another and who can provide some sort of encouragement.  I've also been grateful for some online communities and other blogs that have filled these gaps of in-person interaction with my cohort-mates and other students in my program.

Honestly, I am still feeling tense about this comp exam.  Even though I have a vague idea of the potential questions, I still don't know what my exam committee is going to ask, hence I go between wanting to frantically compile detailed notes for various references to being unsure if this is a waste of my time because they might not ask anything related to a particular subarea.  Part of me wants to e-mail a bunch of other students but what on earth would I say?  It doesn't make sense.  I might be posting one of those Facebook statuses soon. 

One of those mornings

Ugh.  I must say, even after growing up in the "north" of the U.S., I have a limited tolerance for snow.  I had originally planned to travel to campus today to meet with 2 professors about my comp exam, but alas, we got another winter storm.  Since it took forever for everyone else to leave the house this morning; I'm not too positive that the road conditions for the 85 mile drive will be great; I probably wouldn't be able to leave until close to 11 a.m. and would probably get there just in time for my meetings and then have to spend 2 hours driving back-- I decided not to go.  Let's hope I can chat with my professors on the phone this week!

This morning was one of those mornings.  My 3 year old DS started out the morning fine, but was not being very cooperative as I was simultaneously trying to get DD dressed and ready.  One of those mornings-- one mess after another, refusing to get dressed, having an accident after sitting on the toilet, etc etc.  At one point I did lose my patience and yell.  I've really been trying to be better about this and keep the right perspective, but honestly, at 9:30 a.m. I felt like it should already be 5:30 p.m.  I guess waking up feel tired doesn't help, since I've been staying up later the last few days to get work done; I've also not been sleeping too well.  Hence, I'm taking a "break" right now to reflect and get the right frame of mind back.  I apologized to my son before he left this morning.  I've been reminded a devotional book I read the other day which is set up for Lent (we are Christians; honestly this year with all else going on I have not made the time that I would like each day to reflect).  The story for the day focused on an elderly man who recently lost his wife.  She always had dreams to travel here and there, do this and that throughout the life, but they kept making excuses why they couldn't do any of those things.  The elderly man was filled with regret after his wife's passing as a result of this. 

I also think of so many other things that have happened around the world, especially in the last few months.  How could we forget what happened at Newtown, CT.  I don't want the stresses of academic work among other things impact my level of patience with my kids.  Of course, none of us are perfect.  However, I guess one thing that has struck me late in this season of Lent is to make the most of my time with my kids.  Honestly, it is difficult, especially on the days I am home with DD and DS is at preschool.  But, it is getting to the point where I can't really do much work when she is awake anyways, so I try to do even small things with her-- like read a book, show her how to do a little puzzle; something.  I took DS on a little "date" this past Saturday.  It was nice to spend time with him one-on-one for a couple of hours.  And of course, we can't leave our partners out of this, although with the craziness of life that often happens.  I have to take my own advice with this!

Anxieties

It seems like I tend to gravitate towards writing here on the 2 days that I have day care for both children (aka "day care days").  I wish that I could always keep the perspective I wrote about a couple of days ago.  However, I have been having some "anxieties".  I guess yesterday got thrown off a bit since I had a doctor's appointment and DD was a bit fussy in the afternoon (again, the persistent cold we've all had, plus teething, etc); I did read a little later at night but I was just too tired to do the amount that I had hoped.  Now, enter today, and I'm hoping to make more progress (yet again) but I guess I just need to vent (don't we all!)

-- Frankly, I'm really worried about this comp exam, moreso than the last one.  I guess there are any number of reasons-- this literature is all over the place; I have no idea what kinds of questions they are going to ask me (hopefully that will be illuminated when I meet with the chair of my exam committee next week); once again, my reading list remained too long but I felt like I had to get through at least parts of every book/article; I haven't been able to meet in person with 2 members of my committee since last semester since I live far from campus and meeting times haven't worked out (yet, when I reflect on this, I know other students who actually live OUT OF THE COUNTRY while preparing for comps and still do it-- I don't know, but something about the face-to-face contact helps me, especially since I don't know these profs as well as others and I chose them due to the similaritie between their research interests and my own); even though I feel like I have a good handle on the literature as a whole and have some ideas  of how I would like to integrate/challenge what I am reading into a potential dissertation project-- I just feel anxious.

-- Even though I am blessed to have an RA-ship that has been flexible and the main project I've been working on for it is on hold until next month, I feel guilty that I haven't been putting much time into RA-related work as I prepare for comps (mostly due to limited child care).  Although the main project is on hold, I am working on 2 conference papers related to the data we've collected, but even my work on those papers has been minimal the past few weeks.  Oh, and I have to present one of them next weekend!!??!! At any rate, for that I don't have to submit a paper, so I will just be presenting preliminary analyses, but still-- I have to devote a few hours to that in the next few days or else it will prove difficult by the end of next week.

-- Some days I just want to spend time with my kids (oh yes, and my husband-- we were lucky to get 2 dates in the last 6 months; even those were rushed due to imminent snow storms) without the PhD cloud hanging overhead.  Yesterday, when DD was fussy, I was about to just take her outside for a walk since it was unseasonably warm and sunny out, but alas she feel asleep.  I want to do a mini egg hunt and easter egg coloring with DS this weekend; I don't want to make it rushed.  Well, I WILL do that then, and I will have to be disciplined to get work done later on.

-- In reflecting on my comps reading, I am realizing that I am scared of the "dissertation phase."  Although one of my profs keeps telling me not to worry about logistics, I am.  How am I going to do the research?  What are my main questions going to be?  Again, how am I going to do the research/travel, etc, with limited child care, limited funds?  I know I can apply for grants, but I've been hard pressed to find diss research grants that are flexible with what I am hoping to do-- not to mention, since I changed what I was going to do in the last few months (another story there), I still have yet to formulate a solid proposal that even has the potential to be submitted as a grant application.  The dissertation phase is a full time job in itself.   I know other students who work full time whilst dissertating, however, most of the time (from what I've seen), their job is their base research site.  My husband and I had a discussion a couple weeks ago when he e-mailed me info about a few non-tenure track, temporary teaching jobs (yes, full time).  I told him there was no way I could do that and make any progress on my dissertation proposal-- let alone my dissertation.  Yes, I will be teaching part time in the Fall, but full time, no.  Again, the questions of funds, direction, methodology, time-- keep swirling in my mind.  And, just the plain overall anxiety of being an independent researcher.  Yikes. 

-- I want to get published within the next year.  I have those 2 conference paper which might have potential, yes, plus another one that was accepted at a national conference.  The latter paper is a bit "older", but may have potential.  Again, the question of time management comes in, and the anxieties which go along with that.

I remember telling my husband even before we had children that I didn't know how I could handle doing the work for grad school with children.  I've always been a perfectionist with school work, but I had to learn fast that it is difficult to do so when children arrive!! I've still managed to get things done in reasonable amounts of time, but we all know that in graduate school especially, there is always something hanging overhead. 

Article on being a student-parent

I've seen many articles similar to this; wanted to share the link:

Being a student-parent not child's play