Guilty pleasures (aka distractions/stress relievers)

My son's preschool was closed last week for February vacation, so we (some might say, insanely) drove down to Florida from where we live in the "North."  Right now, I am very much missing the sunshine and summer temperatures.  Also, right now I should really be focusing on making up for the work hours I lost last week (although the time I spent in place of those with my family were undoubtedly well worth it)-- reading for my comprehensive exam and working on my conference paper.  However, I've spent a few minutes dabbling in one of my "guilty pleasures"-- which I will conceptualize as a stress-relieving distraction that I also feel guilty (at times) spending time on. 
My guilty pleasure in this sense is Hindi language serials (soap operas).  In all honesty, there are a couple right now that I am very addicted to, and it goes in waves.  There have been a number of shows that I have swooned over; when those have ended I always swear that I will not get hooked on another show.  Well, er, that often doesn't happen. 
Since the episodes air in India before we are able to see them in the U.S., I will often go on to one of the Indian television forums to get a sneak peak of what happened.  There are often lively discussions on those forums about the show-- hopeful predictions about the story line, love triangles between the leads, etc that provide a fun distraction as well.  In all honesty, sometimes I wish I could discipline myself to break this addiction so that I can have that extra hour every weeknight to do my work, but the nature of the distraction itself is often more interesting to me at 9:30/10 p.m. than my academic reading.  I have been trying to read for a while after watching my shows; some days that works out while other days it doesn't.  I guess we all need a break sometimes....and since my research is focused on South Asia and the South Asian diaspora in general, I feel like in a way it is related (haha).  I only wish I could say that I am more proficient in Hindi now than I was 3 years ago, but unfortunately that is not the case.  That is another goal I set for the new year that I have yet to progress on!

The U.S. and its (completely, utterly) insufficient family/medical leave policies--The Motherhood Manifesto documentary

Along with my random thoughts, rants, vents etc about grad school and related issues, I wanted to also post interesting resources and information about other issues that I care (very much) about on this blog.

Below is a link to information about a great documentary entitled, The Motherhood Manifesto.  )This documentary is available in some libraries).  In a nutshell, it discusses how the U.S. is at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to family/medical leave policies; it does an excellent job of connecting this huge shortcoming to other social problems/issues.  I'm always saddened at how these issues are glossed over in elections and political debates.

http://www.momsrising.org/page/moms/film

The "unpredictabilities" of parenting!!!

A relative of mine, who has a daughter the same age as my son (3 years old), had a pretty eventful week in terms of the art projects her daughter decided to engage in when she wasn't looking.  To summarize the fun details (haha, well, maybe at first her reaction wasn't that), it resulted in the "glitterificiation" of an item she had just bought.  Truly, from what I have heard from several people now, the "terrible two's" is a misnomer, and 3 is actually more challenging (but also more fun since kids are more astute by that age) on a variety of fronts!!

Kids are definitely unpredictable.  My advisor has constantly told me, that without a doubt, the night before you have an important presentation, assignment due, etc, your child(ren) will get sick.  She is speaking from experience.  That has happened to me before; a few times I did have to ask for extensions on papers when I was in coursework.  Oftentimes, when these types of unexpected things happen, as a parent we just have to learn to function on less.  Whether that means less sleep, less preparation time, along with just overriding perfectionist tendencies to just get something done, or a combination of all of these things and others.  Lately, for me, it seems that the kids don't like sleep the night before one of my two "day care days" per week, so I just have to keep perspective, drink coffee (of course!), set some goals for the day and try to stick to it although I am (quite) tired.  Now, I am hoping and praying that during the week I have to write my second (and last!) comprehensive exam in a couple months (or maybe even less than that) they are healthy-- of course I pray that they stay healthy anyways, but I will have to craft a back-up plan if this is not the case!  A lot of these potential instances have also forced me to be more open with my professors, which in the end has only created better relationships with them and has take the pressure off of me a bit.  I know that this is unfortunately not the case in every field of study, but I feel that trying to be as honest as possible usually helps.

The bottom line is, parenting is unpredictable-- kids are unpredictable-- sometimes they pleasantly surprise us and make us laugh, other times it is a mountain of a mess that we have to tackle, but either way, I don't go a day (or even half of one) without my kids making me smile and without being thankful for them!  Parenting is definitely the most challenging task I've ever had, but it is well worth every moment!!!

The competing mental discourses of past, present, and future

My mind has been spinning lately due to a variety of issues, so this post might not be too organized.  This line came to my mind last night, and although it might have been a pithy Facebook status, I refrained from posting it.  Despite the fact that most if not all of my grad student friends could relate, I guess I want to appear more like I "have things together":

"Oh academia, how thou dost confuse, vex, annoy, and rattle me sometimes to the point where I go through the day with nostalgic thoughts of my past career; although the latter was quite stressful at times, I at least felt and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was making some difference in human lives, as opposed to being isolated by my present academic tasks."

True, it was my job prior to going back to graduate school (as I already had a Master's degree in another field) that I felt inspired me to dig deeper and to think that maybe with a Ph.D., I could have more flexibility and would have more leverage to work in applied settings where I could make even more of a difference in the lives of those targeted by human rights abuses.  I also loved teaching, and I wanted to inspire other young minds to do the same.  However, I still vividly remember all those I used to work with, and I often miss it.  Then again, I have come this far in my program, and have undoubtedly been through more major life changes since I started the program than in the few years beforehand.  I guess I have to cut myself some slack in this regard; I know that all grad students go through these thoughts of frustration at some point. However, it is not just the past that sometimes exudes my mental energy when I should be reading journal articles or coding data.  I worry about the future-- not just the far away future, but the more immediate (i.e., next semester).  I worry that my funding is running out, because although it takes everyone in my program an average of 7-8 years to finish (and, I'm not talking about people with children), the university only funds us through five years.  Also, it doesn't matter to them that I officially took on semester off when my son was born, and unofficially took another off when my daughter was born.  Thus, I have been frantically looking for all employment options possible for the summer and fall, whilst also wondering how we might be able to afford to send my daughter to day care more than part time.  Although I am a person of faith, I still have a hard time letting go of these things and just doing my part day to day.  We don't even know what the next moment holds, let alone the next month or year, but sometimes these things can eat up our time to the point where we feel we can't make the right amount of progress in the present.

I guess for today, I will  just have to stick to my "to do" list, and then repeat again tomorrow.  However, these competing mental discourses of past, present, and future always seem to hang over our heads in the academic world.

Working-from-home guilt

Well, today is my first day home alone since the week before Christmas.  Both kids were going to day care on Tuesdays/Thursdays last semester since I was teaching a class on those days.  This semester, I decided not to teach so that I could really make some progress in my program, but it just feels odd to be completely alone at home for a 9 hour period without having to prep/teach class and all that goes along with it.  I know that I desperately need this time to read for my comp exam, do work for my RAship (which has been my primary source of income for almost the past 2 years), and think about/work on my dissertation proposal, but I often have what I deem a multifaceted "working-from-home guilt."  As I just mentioned, there are numerous elements within this sense of guilt; I will name a few below:

1.  Feeling bad (as I did a little this morning) that my husband dropped the kids off at day care, even though he was in a bit of a rush to make a meeting (he had asked me to drop them off, but later said that he should be able to make it).  Seems a bit silly, I know.  This also relates to the larger issue that some of us working moms (whether you work from home, work out of the home, or a combination of both as has been my case) deal with from time to time:   guilt about day care.  This waxes and wanes  for me; I usually kick the guilt feeling when I reflect on the fact that it is getting increasingly difficult for me to make progress on the days that I am home with my 10 month old daughter and my son is in preschool.  I have to keep telling myself that this is a job too, even if it is not a "conventional" job and I really need some time during the day to move forward.  I could go on about that, but I will just end with a *sigh*.

2.  Having a complex about household chores.  Since I am home, I feel like I should try to do more household chores here and there.  Especially on the days I am home with DD, I try to do a few tasks here and there when she is occupying herself, but sometimes I feel the tug between doing a household task and getting work done.  Of course, what I end up doing also depends on the time frame I have, DD's mood and feeding schedule, etc.  However, often at the end of the day I feel some sense of guilt if the house is *still* as chaotic as it was first thing in the morning because I didn't get around to giving it some semblance of order due to my work. 

I guess that within those two points I mentioned there were others, but I know that there are more elements to this guilt that I have felt/thought of before and they are just not coming to mind right now!

Initial (yet very incomplete) musings on being a grad student parent

I must say, this first post might not be too long (since I have a long list of things to do, although I am not sure what to do first today), but I have been wanting to start this blog for a while.  I have read many similar blogs of graduate student moms, and in many ways my story is similar.  I guess that I wanted to start this blog for a few reasons; the top ones mainly being that I wanted a therapeutic outlet for myself that others could empathize with, and also so that other grad student moms/dads could see yet again that they are not alone. 

I had a Master's degree in a related field to my current Ph.D. studies and had been working for a few years before I decided to go back to school (maybe more on that later).  I was finally starting to enjoy my professional career, although it was stressful for different reasons.  At that point, I had been married for 4 years, and being in my late 20s with not the greatest family/individual health history, I didn't want to wait until my late 30s to have a  child.  Long story short, I had my first child in my second year of my Ph.D. program (coursework time).  I took an official medical leave for a semester; when I returned, I worked my you know what off to finish my coursework on par with my cohort.  Challenging for many reasons, to say the least (again, more on that later).  Fast forward, I had my second child this past Spring semester.  I completed my first comprehensive exam while in my third trimester.  I didn't take last semester off because I didn't want to lose my funding (again, another issue I would like to address on here at some point).  Now, I have 2 wonderful children, my husband has been supportive but also has a job that isn't always 9-5 (academics!), and we have had so many other changes in the process.

So....I had hoped to make great progress this semester while I have funding as a research assistant to complete my second and final comp exam whilst also working on my dissertation proposal.  However, I decided to take on an adjunct teaching position on top of everything else.  Great learning experience, but it left me with very little time to make the progress I wanted.  Tis again challenging to try to build up your CV and get the requirements done, while not having enough child care and battling a constant cycle of sickness in the household (not just the kids and husband, but myself included).  Then, towards the end of the semester to realize that if you stay with the current direction for your dissertation topic, that you really should revamp your comp exam reading list. Unfortunately, like last December, I will most likely have to work over the Christmas/holiday "break" to make up the work that I should have done earlier in the semester on my comp reading and research assistantship project.

At any rate (I apologize for the rambling in the last paragraph), there are a few things I wanted to say up front on this blog to Ph.D./grad student parents in general. 
1.  Don't pressure yourself to "do it all" all the time.  There are some things that you are going to have to let slide at various times.  For instance, I work from home; I often feel like I have to use that time to do a load of housework on top of my school work, whether or not I have child care that day.  Realize that this can't always be done and may not be the best use of your time at that moment-- with kids, your house is never going to be perfect anyway.

2.  Don't be afraid to ask for extensions.  I have often felt (like many other grad student parents), that I don't want to use my children as an excuse.  However, especially when I was in coursework, I had to ask for a few extensions on papers (especially when at the time all 3 of us were incredibly sick) and thankfully my professors were very understanding.  I realize that is not always the case in this crazy world.  Yet again, however, don't feel like you have to be like other grad student parents who never ask for extensions/any other kind of help.  Everyone has different circumstances. 

3.  Think about how you use your time and what "time slots" might allow you to get some work done.  Honestly, I need to take my own time management advice, but I realized that in this past semester I did end up having to do work (mostly for the class I was teaching) later at night and at other random times just to get it done.  I would also set minimum time goals each day/week to spend on my research project.  On the latter note, start off small with your goals and don't make them too grand that they seem unattainable even in your planning process.

4. ****Need to really take my own advice on this one**** Recognize that feeling melancholy, frustrated, agitated, like you want to give up are normal, even for non-parent grad students.  Every time I go to campus (which hasn't been much the last 2 semesters since I had my second child-- not to mention we moved quite far away from campus) people still tell me that they can't believe I am managing being a parent of 2 kids while doing this; many people thought I would quit.  Honestly, some days I feel like I am barely managing, and I sometimes feel I made the wrong decision.  However, I often have to bring myself back to the right perspective-- I've come this far; what would I do if I quit now?  Now, I have read blogs of some advanced grad students who did quit and, for the most part, feel great about their decision, but I know for me that I wouldn't want to keep thinking "what if" all my life; I wouldn't want to tell my kids that I quit.  Again, I know that everyone has different circumstances, but realize that you are not alone in the waxing and waning "disillusionment with academic" department.  

There are many other things that I could add to this list, but I am going to end here for now-- I need to get to my own planning for the day!  Best wishes to all and happy holidays (if I don't post before then!)