I mentioned a while back that I bought an electronic version of Dr. Neil Fiore's The Now Habit. This is a great book about tackling procrastination (the ugly evil "P" word) at its roots. I admit, I have been wanting to read this book in its entirety for a while, but I have only read portions of it so far. Much of what I have read so far truly reflects my own thoughts and actions. For instance, Fiore talks about how we avoid certain tasks; how we talk to ourselves while we are avoiding those tasks (i.e., "I should be working on this, or I have to work on that). Right now, I should be working on my 3 conference presentations for the upcoming weekend. Undoubtedly, I am interested in the work that I am presenting, or I wouldn't have done the work and submitted the papers/abstracts in the first place. However, I am putting it off. I keep telling myself, "I should be working on the outlines/powerpoint for these presentations." Sometimes, spend a good amount of time working on one outline, but then I get restless and switch to working on another one, or something else entirely. Sometimes, I just get sick of sitting (nevermind my back pain and sciatica which is exacerbated by this continual sitting); I walk around the house, get sidetracked by dishes or laundry, or toys all over the floor that are driving me crazy; I find an excuse to go outside and get fresh air. Other times, I just feel like my attention span is severely shrinking as time goes on, and I just can't spend an extended amount of time on one task. Other times, I sit there thinking about how I "should" have somehow found more time to work on my dissertation proposal as opposed to these conference-related projects all summer (granted, I would like to turn at least one of these into a publishable journal article, but still--- none of these projects are explicitly related to my dissertation). Thus, there are times that I take a few minutes out in between to search for articles related to my dissertation topic. As a result, I get sidetracked from projects that should be more of a priority at the present time. Other times, of course, I get distracted by Facebook, e-mail, forums that discuss by favorite addicting Hindi serials, working on my syllabi for the upcoming semesters' courses, hoping that my kids are doing fine at day care, feeling guilty that if I could just somehow work better in the evenings we could have saved some money on day care-- if we could communicate better about our schedule I could have somehow found regular time in the evenings/on weekends to work, etc etc etc and the rabbit trail of thoughts goes on. Really, I am my own worst enemy when it comes to time management. I think part of it has to do with just being frustrated about a plethora of interrelated issues; another part is attention span and getting bored with work that requires continuous sitting and solute. I often think back to my former job, the one I left before starting grad school again. As a social worker, I was constantly talking with clients and other co-workers. It was insanely busy at times, but it was also insanely rewarding. It's funny, because no matter what situation we are in in life, we tend to think of how the "grass is greener" in one way or another-- whether we are thinking back to another phase of our lives, or we think of how our lives would have been if we had a "normal" job, or if we didn't have to worry about a certain project, or if we could have more carefree time with our family, etc. Either way, I admit that I have a serious time management problem, and I guess that is the first step with trying to tackle it. Now, if only I could make the time (and not procrastinate!!!) to read Fiore's book and put the principles he sets forth into practice. If only I could just get these presentations DONE, especially since I only have 3 days before I leave for the conferences!!!! Here's to trying to focus and not talking myself into a pit! I need to perform cognitive behavioral therapy on myself!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Oh no...it's the end of July already?!?!?
Yes, a little over a month remains before I have to begin teaching; before my son starts a new preschool; before I **really** need to get serious about my dissertation proposal. However, the heat is on (no pun intended, since we have had a bit of a scorching summer to say the least) as I have to finish preparing 3 presentations for 2 conferences I am attending in a little over 2 weeks. Also, I started the summer with high hopes for my dissertation proposal, but I have not made much progress on it at all. Sure, I could blame the fact that we had to travel for a family wedding; we had family from afar visiting for a week and took constant day trips which equated to many hundreds of miles driven and many minutes of lost sleep (particularly for the kids!); we had graduation parties and cookouts and lost many "day care" days due to holidays, sickness, and traveling to boot. Not to mention, as I have said in previous posts, lack of motivation, direction, continuous questions arising in my mind that warranted additional literature reviews, lack of funds for additional child care in between all the traveling craziness, etc. Of course, I am grateful that being a grad student allows me the flexibility to enjoy all of these things-- time with family, precious time with my kids. However, I'm also continuously (seems like I really like variants of the word "continuous" in this post!) feeling like my dissertation proposal, among other projects, is hanging over my head like an ominous rain cloud. Not to mention financial concerns associated with child care, paying continuation tuition, and not being sure that I will definitely be teaching a third class in the fall.
And then there are the concerns that go along with parenting. Hoping that my son will adjust well to his new preschool; feeling bad that we can't afford to send him to another preschool where some of his friends from his previous school will be attending (although I've heard very mixed reviews about that program); dealing with *continuous* potty training issues. Wondering if the day care where we are sending both kids two days per week is the best one for them and if we would be able to find something better that 1. was just as flexible and 2. cost the same or less. Hoping that DD will benefit from the physical therapy that she is starting later this week since she is behind in gross motor skills.
And... just the general concerns associated with how we are going to keep juggling it all once the semester starts. Can we really work out a good schedule where I will be able to do work outside of "work day" timings? Will my husband and others understand that there is no way I will be able to get my dissertation proposal done by December AND do all the work for teaching 3 classes with part- time child care for both kids?
I guess I am getting ahead of myself a bit, after all, we still do technically have 5 weeks of the summer to enjoy, and there are many more things I want to enjoy with my family before the grind of teaching on top of everything else begins. However, many of these concerns, like the academic projects hanging over my head, are really, *continuous.* As I said, I have much to be grateful for; despite the concerns I have for my kids they are very advanced and growing in many other areas; they surprise me every day. And, we do manage to balance the household chores, although I still feel there is much to be worked out with my work schedule, which I believe is one of the big issues impacting my motivation. Nevertheless, I think that for now I just need to focus on my immediate "to do" list; although I might not get a huge chunk of it done each day I need to make some progress before these conferences and my syllabi are due in a couple weeks. Now I must press onward (or more accurately..inch forward).
And then there are the concerns that go along with parenting. Hoping that my son will adjust well to his new preschool; feeling bad that we can't afford to send him to another preschool where some of his friends from his previous school will be attending (although I've heard very mixed reviews about that program); dealing with *continuous* potty training issues. Wondering if the day care where we are sending both kids two days per week is the best one for them and if we would be able to find something better that 1. was just as flexible and 2. cost the same or less. Hoping that DD will benefit from the physical therapy that she is starting later this week since she is behind in gross motor skills.
And... just the general concerns associated with how we are going to keep juggling it all once the semester starts. Can we really work out a good schedule where I will be able to do work outside of "work day" timings? Will my husband and others understand that there is no way I will be able to get my dissertation proposal done by December AND do all the work for teaching 3 classes with part- time child care for both kids?
I guess I am getting ahead of myself a bit, after all, we still do technically have 5 weeks of the summer to enjoy, and there are many more things I want to enjoy with my family before the grind of teaching on top of everything else begins. However, many of these concerns, like the academic projects hanging over my head, are really, *continuous.* As I said, I have much to be grateful for; despite the concerns I have for my kids they are very advanced and growing in many other areas; they surprise me every day. And, we do manage to balance the household chores, although I still feel there is much to be worked out with my work schedule, which I believe is one of the big issues impacting my motivation. Nevertheless, I think that for now I just need to focus on my immediate "to do" list; although I might not get a huge chunk of it done each day I need to make some progress before these conferences and my syllabi are due in a couple weeks. Now I must press onward (or more accurately..inch forward).
Friday, June 7, 2013
The solitude of being a grad student parent
I had started to write a similar post related to this topic earlier this week, but I lost some steam in the end. In all honesty, I have had very little motivation this week and have barely made any progress on my academic work. Undoubtedly, part of the reason is that my daughter developed an ear infection and my son flipped out that he didn't want to go to daycare on Thursday (one of the days that both of them go); he said that his throat was hurting again but according to the doctor he was fine. Thus, both of them were home yesterday, and since DD woke up 1.5 hours earlier than usual this morning, I haven't had much mental capacity to do much work during her nap. Anyways....I went ahead and purchased an electronic version of The Now Habit by Neil Fiore, which was recommended by a very inspirational, fellow grad student mom that I "met" on another site (if you're reading this, you know who you are!! :)). I know that some of my deficiencies in motivation are due to that dirty "P" word-- procrastination-- and I am looking forward to applying some of Dr. Fiore's insights. I also already know that some of the procrastination is at least partially fed by a lingering sense of melancholy. Part of that, most definitely, can be attributed to the feelings of isolation I have been having. I guess it's not just the fact that I live a 2 hour drive from campus and I barely have to go in anymore. Yes, even commiserating with fellow grad students and other grad student moms in person on a regular basis was therapeutic. However, the plain fact that making friends at this age (oh my, does that sound terrible!) can be quite difficult, especially in this part of the country, is a huge part of the problem.
I mentioned in another post that I enjoy taking the kids to the playground, not just because it is good for them to get fresh air and be around other kids, but also because it gives me a chance to (at least try to) get some adult interaction. I'm reminded of one time when a mom gave me her phone number and took mine down...her kids were the same ages as mine. So many times, I should have gone ahead and called her, but I admit I was feeling a bit shy (how silly). Come to find out, her daughter was also attending the same preschool as my son, except she was going on different days. The same mom sent out an e-mail once to all the parents; I sent her a personal e-mail in return basically recollecting how we met and stating that it would be great to get together sometime. However, she never responded. Oh well I thought. Maybe she is too busy as well; maybe she was feeling silly about it, who knows. Since then, I've chatted with several other moms at the same playground. Just a couple months ago, I met another mom who had kids the same exact ages as mine. She was very down to earth, and I felt that we really clicked. I wanted to offer her my phone number, but I hesitated. When she left, she said that it was nice talking to me, and she would probably see me again at the playground. I've definitely heard that before. But...I am also at fault if I don't reach out, right??? I would love to get involved in some organizes play groups, or some other kind of parents' group, but they often meet at odd times that I cannot attend. And part of it, of course, is just the culture in this part of the country. We are not controlled by the culture, but it can be hard to break. People around here tend to be more reserved, "private", etc. One or the other person doesn't feel comfortable to reach out, or they are too busy, or...whatever the case may be. It is such a pet peeve of mine. And then...I hate having to explain to people what I do. "I teach part time, but I'm working towards my Ph.D.; one child goes to daycare part time", blah blah blah. Oftentimes, I feel like a full time stay-at-home mom (although I hate the "mommy wars" and the distinctions between "stay-at-home" moms and "working moms"), but I am also a work-at-home and working-out-of-the-home mom at times who is trying to juggle all of these different responsibilities and expectations. As a result, I often wonder if I can relate to moms who "stay at home" and/or those who work full time outside the home. I guess that really doesn't matter, but the point is, I miss having friends!!! Yes, I keep in touch with friends who live out of state and hours away via Facebook; we recently had friends come over for a cookout, but we don't get to see them too often because they each live at least a 1-2 hours drive away. However, I must admit that I get a little jealous of people who can meet up with friends in person on a regular basis, and/or who have other friends and co-workers they can talk with in person on a regular basis. The key phrase here is "in person". Although my job before going back to school 5 years ago was mega stressful, I was at least encouraged by chats with my co-workers who were also under a great deal of stress. When you're working all the time at home, feelings of isolation and lack of motivation can often be compounded.
Again, this wasn't a very positive post, but I'm sure that many parents and grad students can relate-- if not at this point in their lives, they might have experienced this at some point, even for a short period of time. I guess that in the midst of the dreary deluge going on outside and my lack of progress once again this week, I've been reflecting on all of these issues. Of course, in comparison to the disasters many in this country alone have faced in the past couple weeks, these issues are a pin drop in the bucket. However, they are central to the struggles that people of all walks of life face when it comes to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
I mentioned in another post that I enjoy taking the kids to the playground, not just because it is good for them to get fresh air and be around other kids, but also because it gives me a chance to (at least try to) get some adult interaction. I'm reminded of one time when a mom gave me her phone number and took mine down...her kids were the same ages as mine. So many times, I should have gone ahead and called her, but I admit I was feeling a bit shy (how silly). Come to find out, her daughter was also attending the same preschool as my son, except she was going on different days. The same mom sent out an e-mail once to all the parents; I sent her a personal e-mail in return basically recollecting how we met and stating that it would be great to get together sometime. However, she never responded. Oh well I thought. Maybe she is too busy as well; maybe she was feeling silly about it, who knows. Since then, I've chatted with several other moms at the same playground. Just a couple months ago, I met another mom who had kids the same exact ages as mine. She was very down to earth, and I felt that we really clicked. I wanted to offer her my phone number, but I hesitated. When she left, she said that it was nice talking to me, and she would probably see me again at the playground. I've definitely heard that before. But...I am also at fault if I don't reach out, right??? I would love to get involved in some organizes play groups, or some other kind of parents' group, but they often meet at odd times that I cannot attend. And part of it, of course, is just the culture in this part of the country. We are not controlled by the culture, but it can be hard to break. People around here tend to be more reserved, "private", etc. One or the other person doesn't feel comfortable to reach out, or they are too busy, or...whatever the case may be. It is such a pet peeve of mine. And then...I hate having to explain to people what I do. "I teach part time, but I'm working towards my Ph.D.; one child goes to daycare part time", blah blah blah. Oftentimes, I feel like a full time stay-at-home mom (although I hate the "mommy wars" and the distinctions between "stay-at-home" moms and "working moms"), but I am also a work-at-home and working-out-of-the-home mom at times who is trying to juggle all of these different responsibilities and expectations. As a result, I often wonder if I can relate to moms who "stay at home" and/or those who work full time outside the home. I guess that really doesn't matter, but the point is, I miss having friends!!! Yes, I keep in touch with friends who live out of state and hours away via Facebook; we recently had friends come over for a cookout, but we don't get to see them too often because they each live at least a 1-2 hours drive away. However, I must admit that I get a little jealous of people who can meet up with friends in person on a regular basis, and/or who have other friends and co-workers they can talk with in person on a regular basis. The key phrase here is "in person". Although my job before going back to school 5 years ago was mega stressful, I was at least encouraged by chats with my co-workers who were also under a great deal of stress. When you're working all the time at home, feelings of isolation and lack of motivation can often be compounded.
Again, this wasn't a very positive post, but I'm sure that many parents and grad students can relate-- if not at this point in their lives, they might have experienced this at some point, even for a short period of time. I guess that in the midst of the dreary deluge going on outside and my lack of progress once again this week, I've been reflecting on all of these issues. Of course, in comparison to the disasters many in this country alone have faced in the past couple weeks, these issues are a pin drop in the bucket. However, they are central to the struggles that people of all walks of life face when it comes to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Random thoughts this week
I've still been a bit slow to get back into the academic swing of things, but I've had some (somewhat) random thoughts/ramblings/vents that I wanted to articulate a bit more...
Dear day care providers, I like both of you very much as people. However, when I provide 3 bibs for DD for each day that she attends, why can't you use those bibs instead of allowing her to nearly spoil every single outfit? I put the bibs in the same place every time, and I know that you have used them in the past.
I've come to the realization that if I just accept the fact that there are certain days/times that I will not be able to do academic work, my stress and frustration level decreases significantly. Yes, my daughter usually takes a decent afternoon nap, but there are times that I just cannot do work during that time for one reason or another. Sometimes it is a household task that just has to get done while neither child is in my way. Other times, I just need time to think (well, that is part of work, but sometimes we don't always see it that way-- one of those paradoxes of life). Then, there are times that I am just too dang tired.
I know that if I had a "normal" job, certain close family members wouldn't call me so much during the day; other close family members wouldn't ask me to run errands on the 2 days per week that both children are in day care. Truly, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, sometimes it is easier to just run those errands by myself. However, there are days that even a small errand that only takes half an hour can really throw me off.
Sometimes, I feel like my e-mails to people in my department go into a black hole. Granted, the semester ended a month ago and I know people are busy with other things. I wish that it was easier for me to just show up on campus and try to meet with people in person, but I'm not going to drive nearly 2 hours and pay to park to find out no one is there on that day. At times, I've had luck with trying to get in contact with people the "old fashioned" way...via office phone. However, this isn't always successful.
Although media analysis is a big part of my research, I often get extremely frustrated with the media in general. I could write a mega post about this. For now, I will just say that the media really does not have to emphasize certain things, but I know that they are trying to one up the next media organization. For instance, the meat cleaver attack in London. Was it necessary to emphasize the video that the attacker made???!?!?! I have so much more to say connected to this, but I will leave it at that. Not to mention, how certain media figures often perpetuate xenophobia, racism, sexism, etc.
Not to be a debbie downer, but I've been feeling quite isolated and just "down" in general lately. Maybe it's just this transition phase between completing my comps and trying to REALLY get started on my proposal, not to mention other projects that I have to work on in the next couple of months. Although I might have a little less time to work, I'm looking forward to when my son is done with preschool in a couple weeks and I can take both kids to the playground or other places on those days. Every time I do that, I get to at least have an informal chit-chat with another mom/grandparent at the playground and I don't feel so isolated. I actually miss the coursework phase for that...being able to interact more with other people in the department; commiserate with other grad student moms who are juggling similar responsibilities. Hey, I might actually go ahead and buy that children's museum membership. I might actually try to find other groups/activities to get me out of the house with the kids and, maybe?!?!? just maybe by myself, too??? What about actually putting a priority on having a date night more than once every six months?? I think that as a grad student parent, these things might actually help us to feel more "human" and get us out of a rut in general.
I've come to the realization that I am not as self-motivated as I would like to be, and I really need to do something to change that. I haven't come up with a fantastic solution to that one....yet....
In reflecting on all that has happened in Oklahoma and other midwestern states with the tornadoes, I've been reminded that we often forget the fact that millions of other people around the world are still recovering from natural disasters that happened YEARS ago. I've seen this in my own geographical area. Also, recovery does not just have to do with the built environment. There are mental, emotional, biophysical, and spiritual dimensions. We need to keep this in mind when making decisions about how to enact our own personal philanthropic intensions.
There are many other things I could go on about...the situation in Syria, the persecution of minorities in many countries, oh, those are big ones, but I will stop there for now.
Dear day care providers, I like both of you very much as people. However, when I provide 3 bibs for DD for each day that she attends, why can't you use those bibs instead of allowing her to nearly spoil every single outfit? I put the bibs in the same place every time, and I know that you have used them in the past.
I've come to the realization that if I just accept the fact that there are certain days/times that I will not be able to do academic work, my stress and frustration level decreases significantly. Yes, my daughter usually takes a decent afternoon nap, but there are times that I just cannot do work during that time for one reason or another. Sometimes it is a household task that just has to get done while neither child is in my way. Other times, I just need time to think (well, that is part of work, but sometimes we don't always see it that way-- one of those paradoxes of life). Then, there are times that I am just too dang tired.
I know that if I had a "normal" job, certain close family members wouldn't call me so much during the day; other close family members wouldn't ask me to run errands on the 2 days per week that both children are in day care. Truly, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, sometimes it is easier to just run those errands by myself. However, there are days that even a small errand that only takes half an hour can really throw me off.
Sometimes, I feel like my e-mails to people in my department go into a black hole. Granted, the semester ended a month ago and I know people are busy with other things. I wish that it was easier for me to just show up on campus and try to meet with people in person, but I'm not going to drive nearly 2 hours and pay to park to find out no one is there on that day. At times, I've had luck with trying to get in contact with people the "old fashioned" way...via office phone. However, this isn't always successful.
Although media analysis is a big part of my research, I often get extremely frustrated with the media in general. I could write a mega post about this. For now, I will just say that the media really does not have to emphasize certain things, but I know that they are trying to one up the next media organization. For instance, the meat cleaver attack in London. Was it necessary to emphasize the video that the attacker made???!?!?! I have so much more to say connected to this, but I will leave it at that. Not to mention, how certain media figures often perpetuate xenophobia, racism, sexism, etc.
Not to be a debbie downer, but I've been feeling quite isolated and just "down" in general lately. Maybe it's just this transition phase between completing my comps and trying to REALLY get started on my proposal, not to mention other projects that I have to work on in the next couple of months. Although I might have a little less time to work, I'm looking forward to when my son is done with preschool in a couple weeks and I can take both kids to the playground or other places on those days. Every time I do that, I get to at least have an informal chit-chat with another mom/grandparent at the playground and I don't feel so isolated. I actually miss the coursework phase for that...being able to interact more with other people in the department; commiserate with other grad student moms who are juggling similar responsibilities. Hey, I might actually go ahead and buy that children's museum membership. I might actually try to find other groups/activities to get me out of the house with the kids and, maybe?!?!? just maybe by myself, too??? What about actually putting a priority on having a date night more than once every six months?? I think that as a grad student parent, these things might actually help us to feel more "human" and get us out of a rut in general.
I've come to the realization that I am not as self-motivated as I would like to be, and I really need to do something to change that. I haven't come up with a fantastic solution to that one....yet....
In reflecting on all that has happened in Oklahoma and other midwestern states with the tornadoes, I've been reminded that we often forget the fact that millions of other people around the world are still recovering from natural disasters that happened YEARS ago. I've seen this in my own geographical area. Also, recovery does not just have to do with the built environment. There are mental, emotional, biophysical, and spiritual dimensions. We need to keep this in mind when making decisions about how to enact our own personal philanthropic intensions.
There are many other things I could go on about...the situation in Syria, the persecution of minorities in many countries, oh, those are big ones, but I will stop there for now.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Transition phase
A lot has been going on since I last wrote here. Alas, I am a Ph.D. candidate!! Thank God, I was able to finish my written comp and successfully defend it two weeks later. A week after that, all 4 of us left on a trip (quite far away, to a nice exotic place, I might add) since my husband had a conference and we thought it would be a good opportunity to see the place. Overall, the trip was good. I did get terribly sick with food poisoning on the second to last day; the days my husband was in the conference were so-so since at least half of the time I couldn't do too much with the kids, but I did manage to venture out a little bit. Otherwise, it was great to be able to see what we could and enjoy the warm weather/whatever we could get of the beach.
We just got back a few days ago, and honestly, along with the jet lag, I feel like my mind is going in circles. I had a meeting this morning with the head of the department where I serve as an adjunct instructor. I feel a little better after that knowing that I will definitely be teaching 2 if not 3 classes (dependent on enrollment) in the fall-- particularly as all this relates to the financial front. However, the issue of seriously beginning my dissertation proposal, with the goal of finishing it be the early Fall (per my advisor and comp exam committee) is looming overhead. To be honest, I am still so tired from traveling and a mega mountain of laundry and a disorganized, crappy dirty house needs immediate attention, so I am not going to pressure myself too much about it at least for a week or so. However, I do have to start thinking about it very soon. Should I schedule preliminary interviews...what about additional literature to review....oh, and what about those conference papers that are fairly unrelated to my proposal that I actually have to get done by the end of July if not sooner...yeah...I really need to touch base with a few profs first too...oh, and what about the fact that I have no source of income this summer since I don't have summer funding, and the department couldn't fund my proposal for summer funding even though they wanted to because it is related to my potential dissertation (higher up bureaucracy, ugh), and if I knew that ahead of time I would have written the proposal in relation to my conference papers, but I was advised to write it for my preliminary dissertation research.....and the run on train of thought chugs on. All in all, I really feel like this is a transition phase. Imminent dissertation research can be exciting, but is scary at the same time. There are so many other aspects of it that feed in to these emotions and related states of mind/being. I could go on, but now I think I need to eat lunch and tackle this pile of laundry, even though I feel in a weird state of academic and professional limbo.
We just got back a few days ago, and honestly, along with the jet lag, I feel like my mind is going in circles. I had a meeting this morning with the head of the department where I serve as an adjunct instructor. I feel a little better after that knowing that I will definitely be teaching 2 if not 3 classes (dependent on enrollment) in the fall-- particularly as all this relates to the financial front. However, the issue of seriously beginning my dissertation proposal, with the goal of finishing it be the early Fall (per my advisor and comp exam committee) is looming overhead. To be honest, I am still so tired from traveling and a mega mountain of laundry and a disorganized, crappy dirty house needs immediate attention, so I am not going to pressure myself too much about it at least for a week or so. However, I do have to start thinking about it very soon. Should I schedule preliminary interviews...what about additional literature to review....oh, and what about those conference papers that are fairly unrelated to my proposal that I actually have to get done by the end of July if not sooner...yeah...I really need to touch base with a few profs first too...oh, and what about the fact that I have no source of income this summer since I don't have summer funding, and the department couldn't fund my proposal for summer funding even though they wanted to because it is related to my potential dissertation (higher up bureaucracy, ugh), and if I knew that ahead of time I would have written the proposal in relation to my conference papers, but I was advised to write it for my preliminary dissertation research.....and the run on train of thought chugs on. All in all, I really feel like this is a transition phase. Imminent dissertation research can be exciting, but is scary at the same time. There are so many other aspects of it that feed in to these emotions and related states of mind/being. I could go on, but now I think I need to eat lunch and tackle this pile of laundry, even though I feel in a weird state of academic and professional limbo.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Taking-a-day-off guilt
Ah yes, another post about guilt! But....why should I even feel guilty??? I e-mailed my completed comprehensive exam to my committee on Sunday night. Of course, I was at least partially relieved; I will be even more relieved when I receive an e-mail saying that I can proceed to the oral defense on April 18th as scheduled. I've been insanely working on this thing for the past week (not to mention the months of preparation beforehand-- reading, note taking, etc). My son ended up getting a weird stomach virus Friday night. He was ok for the most part on Saturday- husband took him to the doctor just to make sure. Then on Sunday evening, he got sick again. I felt terrible that he was sick. Also, I myself started to feel sick on Thursday/Friday and just kept praying that I could make it through. My husband was also a bit agitated on the weekend. As I sat in the den editing, typing, reading, and over and over frantically, I had to listen to his constant sighs and agitated tone of voice. He had never spent probably more than 2 hours alone with both kids before this past weekend (and the times he has spent maybe 1-2 hours alone with them have been extreeemely few and far between-- I know that is sad in its own right and partially my fault for not taking time when I needed it...anyways...). Granted, DS was sick, but for the large majority of the weekend he wasn't and was even excited to go out with my husband and DD on Saturday and Sunday. And....the times he did get sick, I was there helping DH with him. I kept DS home from preschool yesterday because he still wasn't himself; thankfully by the end of the day he was feeling much better and was excited to go to the home day care this morning. DD was just excited in general that her brother was home and was as happy as usual this morning.
All that rambling to say....why on EARTH do I feel guilt for taking today off???? It is a beautiful spring day. I've been cooped up in this house constantly. (well, yesterday afternoon we all did go outside and enjoy the fresh air, but still). I hardly ever get to go anywhere by myself. Why do I feel so guilty that I'm not diving right back in to working on my conference papers for the summer or doing something else academic related? Why do I feel guilty that I'm not going to stay in the house all day and do housework? Honestly, what I am planning to do is go to a children's apparel store and check out a sale since DD and DS need a couple of things-- so I'm not even entirely taking a break for myself, but just getting out of the house and being able to go to a store alone is a break in and of itself. I also need a haircut; I may or may not do that today but the bottom line is, I just need to get out of the vicinity of the house. I very rarely take breaks like this, so why (I say again) do I feel guilt???? I guess as academic moms we might feel like this at times and like me, can't even figure out why. Oh well, I'm going to make myself get over it and get out of this house!!!!
All that rambling to say....why on EARTH do I feel guilt for taking today off???? It is a beautiful spring day. I've been cooped up in this house constantly. (well, yesterday afternoon we all did go outside and enjoy the fresh air, but still). I hardly ever get to go anywhere by myself. Why do I feel so guilty that I'm not diving right back in to working on my conference papers for the summer or doing something else academic related? Why do I feel guilty that I'm not going to stay in the house all day and do housework? Honestly, what I am planning to do is go to a children's apparel store and check out a sale since DD and DS need a couple of things-- so I'm not even entirely taking a break for myself, but just getting out of the house and being able to go to a store alone is a break in and of itself. I also need a haircut; I may or may not do that today but the bottom line is, I just need to get out of the vicinity of the house. I very rarely take breaks like this, so why (I say again) do I feel guilt???? I guess as academic moms we might feel like this at times and like me, can't even figure out why. Oh well, I'm going to make myself get over it and get out of this house!!!!
Monday, April 1, 2013
And so it shall begin....
And I wish it was an April fool's joke that this comp was starting today!!! Will most likely get the questions within the next 90 minutes. Trying to have breakfast and gear myself up (or better yet, wake myself up more) after coaxing teething DD to drink as much milk as possible and after DH had to do the same to get DS to have even a piece of toast this morning (I think he was tired since we've been having issues with him going to sleep at night...not to mention be also has a cold) before they had to leave for day care/preschool. DD was sick last week and I'm thankful that she is at least feeling better, but I've been concerned about DS that this cold doesn't progress into something else. Yikes! Just said a prayer this morning for everything; grateful that I did take 3 days off over this Easter weekend to give my brain a rest and to reflect on the meaning of Easter, attend church, go outside with the kids, etc. I guess right now I feel all over the place, but trying to get my mind back in gear before the elusive questions arrive. Hating the anticipation and the anxiety that goes with it, though.
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