Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Initial (yet very incomplete) musings on being a grad student parent

I must say, this first post might not be too long (since I have a long list of things to do, although I am not sure what to do first today), but I have been wanting to start this blog for a while.  I have read many similar blogs of graduate student moms, and in many ways my story is similar.  I guess that I wanted to start this blog for a few reasons; the top ones mainly being that I wanted a therapeutic outlet for myself that others could empathize with, and also so that other grad student moms/dads could see yet again that they are not alone. 

I had a Master's degree in a related field to my current Ph.D. studies and had been working for a few years before I decided to go back to school (maybe more on that later).  I was finally starting to enjoy my professional career, although it was stressful for different reasons.  At that point, I had been married for 4 years, and being in my late 20s with not the greatest family/individual health history, I didn't want to wait until my late 30s to have a  child.  Long story short, I had my first child in my second year of my Ph.D. program (coursework time).  I took an official medical leave for a semester; when I returned, I worked my you know what off to finish my coursework on par with my cohort.  Challenging for many reasons, to say the least (again, more on that later).  Fast forward, I had my second child this past Spring semester.  I completed my first comprehensive exam while in my third trimester.  I didn't take last semester off because I didn't want to lose my funding (again, another issue I would like to address on here at some point).  Now, I have 2 wonderful children, my husband has been supportive but also has a job that isn't always 9-5 (academics!), and we have had so many other changes in the process.

So....I had hoped to make great progress this semester while I have funding as a research assistant to complete my second and final comp exam whilst also working on my dissertation proposal.  However, I decided to take on an adjunct teaching position on top of everything else.  Great learning experience, but it left me with very little time to make the progress I wanted.  Tis again challenging to try to build up your CV and get the requirements done, while not having enough child care and battling a constant cycle of sickness in the household (not just the kids and husband, but myself included).  Then, towards the end of the semester to realize that if you stay with the current direction for your dissertation topic, that you really should revamp your comp exam reading list. Unfortunately, like last December, I will most likely have to work over the Christmas/holiday "break" to make up the work that I should have done earlier in the semester on my comp reading and research assistantship project.

At any rate (I apologize for the rambling in the last paragraph), there are a few things I wanted to say up front on this blog to Ph.D./grad student parents in general. 
1.  Don't pressure yourself to "do it all" all the time.  There are some things that you are going to have to let slide at various times.  For instance, I work from home; I often feel like I have to use that time to do a load of housework on top of my school work, whether or not I have child care that day.  Realize that this can't always be done and may not be the best use of your time at that moment-- with kids, your house is never going to be perfect anyway.

2.  Don't be afraid to ask for extensions.  I have often felt (like many other grad student parents), that I don't want to use my children as an excuse.  However, especially when I was in coursework, I had to ask for a few extensions on papers (especially when at the time all 3 of us were incredibly sick) and thankfully my professors were very understanding.  I realize that is not always the case in this crazy world.  Yet again, however, don't feel like you have to be like other grad student parents who never ask for extensions/any other kind of help.  Everyone has different circumstances. 

3.  Think about how you use your time and what "time slots" might allow you to get some work done.  Honestly, I need to take my own time management advice, but I realized that in this past semester I did end up having to do work (mostly for the class I was teaching) later at night and at other random times just to get it done.  I would also set minimum time goals each day/week to spend on my research project.  On the latter note, start off small with your goals and don't make them too grand that they seem unattainable even in your planning process.

4. ****Need to really take my own advice on this one**** Recognize that feeling melancholy, frustrated, agitated, like you want to give up are normal, even for non-parent grad students.  Every time I go to campus (which hasn't been much the last 2 semesters since I had my second child-- not to mention we moved quite far away from campus) people still tell me that they can't believe I am managing being a parent of 2 kids while doing this; many people thought I would quit.  Honestly, some days I feel like I am barely managing, and I sometimes feel I made the wrong decision.  However, I often have to bring myself back to the right perspective-- I've come this far; what would I do if I quit now?  Now, I have read blogs of some advanced grad students who did quit and, for the most part, feel great about their decision, but I know for me that I wouldn't want to keep thinking "what if" all my life; I wouldn't want to tell my kids that I quit.  Again, I know that everyone has different circumstances, but realize that you are not alone in the waxing and waning "disillusionment with academic" department.  

There are many other things that I could add to this list, but I am going to end here for now-- I need to get to my own planning for the day!  Best wishes to all and happy holidays (if I don't post before then!)